Fortune's Fool: A Romeo & Juliet Parody
by CheshireGirl0913
Summary: One uptight Director, a dysfunctional cast of characters, a devious Authoress... Well, you'll just have to see for yourself! SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO'VE NOT SEEN THIS!
1. Prologue

**Alright! As I promsed myself, I was able to get this up ASAIHTI (As Soon As I Had The Inspiration). So here ya go!**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>(One man, known as Chorus, stands onstage alone, and begins)<p>

Chorus: Two households, both alike in dignity,  
>In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,<br>From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,  
>Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.<br>From forth the fatal loins of these two foes  
>A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;<br>Whole misadventured piteous overthrows  
>Do with their death bury their parents' strife.<br>The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,  
>And the continuance of their parents' rage,<br>Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,  
>Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage<br>(loud sounds of highway traffic could be heard in the background)

Sound Guy: Sorry!

Chorus: (gives him an evil glare and continues)  
>The which if you with patient ears attend,<br>What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

(a Random Guy onstage happens to pass by and hear all of the prologue)

Random Guy: Uh… dude. You just spoiled the whole plot.

Chorus: (covering his mouth in shock) Oops….

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><p><strong>Just so you all are aware, I've decided to take this scene by scene (since alot of comedy can be put into one scene). I'm welcome to any suggestions that you may have (but please be clean. There's enough double entendre in here already!)<strong>

**Can't wait to hear some suggestions (even if they're comments about how stupid something is, those are always fun! :) )**

**-CG :)**


	2. Act One Scene One

**A/N: Woohoo! I've finally updated! It took me a long time, but I finally updated! Yes! (calming down) Okay... Now that my moment of excitement has ended, let's get going. Starting with...**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING!**

**(nor am I responsible for what the actors will do...(hehe) X))**

**Anyway, on with the show!**

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><p><strong>Setting: Verona. A very public place.<strong>

(Gregory and Sampson are hanging out near the fountain in the center of Verona. Enter Abraham and his fellow Montague soldiers. Gregory looks up and sees Abraham)

Gregory: (to Sampson) Hey look! There's a bunch of Montagues!

Sampson: Let's flip them off, even though we're pointlessly risking our lives!

Gregory: Okay!

(As Abraham walks past Gregory, he "bites his thumb" at him.)

Abraham: (aggressively) Did you just flip me off?

Sampson: (sarcastically) No, I'm just telling you that you look pretty. Of course, I'm flipping you off!

Abraham: (pulling out his sword) After this, you'll be so messed up, all you Capulets will feel it!

Sampson: (drawing his sword) Bring it on!

(Fight immediately breaks out. Benvolio enters, sword drawn.)

Benvolio: Stop it! You're all crazy!

Tybalt: (enters, sword drawn, lunges at Benvolio) Have at thee, coward!

(Benvolio is immediately aggravated by this comment and fights back)

(Enter Capulet, Montague, and their wives)

Capulet: (sword drawn) Montague!

Montague: (sword drawn) Capulet!

Lady Capulet: WAIT! (everyone onstage stops)

(The Director, who is sitting in the audience watching, speaks)

Director: What is it this time, Lady Capulet?

Lady Capulet: I just think it's not fair that Lady Montague and I don't get to fight each other!

Lady Montague: Yeah, we pretty much just watch our husbands try to kill each other.

Director: This story takes place in the Renaissance! Women weren't worth much during these times!

All the women onstage: HEY!

Director: (realizing he offended some people) I didn't mean it like that! What I _meant_ was that women were mostly keeping an eye on the house and caring for their husbands, not handling weapons and fighting people!

Stage Combat Girl #1: And yet us _girls_ get to fight _male_ Montagues and Juliet gets to hold a dagger during the _whole_ play? (Other women murmur in agreement)

Director: (after a moment of thinking it over) Mmmm…. Alright, you two can fight each other. Just keep it clean, okay? (as they're about to have at it) But I don't have any other extra weapons.

Lady Montague: That's okay. We had something better in mind.

Lady Capulet: (jumping at Lady Montague) DIE!

(Fighting immediately restarts as the Ladies start fist-fighting. After a few moments, the Prince comes onstage with his soldiers)

Prince: Really? I thought we had gotten over this by now. (stops for a second) And are Lady Capulet and Montague _fighting_?

Director: Don't ask….

Prince: Alright, that's it! (draws his sword and knocks the swords of Capulet and Montague out of their hands. Everyone stops fighting.) If I witness another fight between you two again, you'll die!

Capulet & Montague: Pft! Whatever….

(Everyone leaves except for Montague, Lady Montague and Benvolio)

Lady Montague: Where's Romeo?

Benvolio: Out and about, crying over some girl he met last week. I swear he's gone emo!

Lady Montague: Why do you say that?

Montague: Well, that does explain why he's been covering up his windows with black sheets lately.

Lady Montague: And how he hardly eats at dinner anymore!

Montague: That's anorexic, dear.

Lady Montague: Oh, yeah, right.

(Enter Romeo)

Benovlio: Huh, there he is now.

Montague: (to Lady Montague) Let's give them some time alone.

(Montague and Lady Montague exit)

Benvolio: (to Romeo) Hey, Coz!

Romeo: I'm too depressed to talk. Goodbye.

(Romeo is about to exit, but Benvolio grabs him by the arm to stop him)

Benvolio: Who is it this time?

Romeo: Someone I love who doesn't love me. She's decided to remain chaste.

Benvolio: Doesn't that mean-?

Romeo: YES.

Benvolio: Then forget about her!

Romeo: That's impossible!

Benvolio: Nah, it's easy! Just check out other girls.

Romeo: Then teach me to forget!

Benvolio: (rhetorically) How do you teach someone to forget? You just forget!

Romeo: (crazily) JUST TEACH ME!

Benvolio: (slightly terrified) Okay! (to himself) Well one of us will die doing so….

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><p><strong>Benvolio is right. <em>One<em> of them will ;D**

**Anyway, if you have ideas, send them as a review! I love getting ideas for stories! Next scene is with Peter asking for help with the invite list. Whatever shall I do (hinthint)**

**Hope you enjoyed!**

**-CG**


	3. Act One Scene Two

**I _sincerely_ apologize for the long wait. This may be one of the hardest chapters I had to write! Well, with R&J ending soon (sadness), I may have more time to write this.**

**The joke for Peter kinda came with a little help from my friends. I asked them and one of my friends said that he should be a doctor and even said a line for Benvolio in this scene. Then i started making connections and volia. But I'm hoping that the next scene will be better than this one.**

**So, for now, enjoy! :)**

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><p>Director: Cue Paris and Capulet!<p>

Paris: Excuse me, Mr. Director?

Director: Uh… yeah?

Paris: Why is my name _Paris_? I mean that's more a girl's name. Ever _hear_ of Paris Hilton?

Director: I don't know. I didn't write this script!

Capulet: But you did edit it!

Director: (to Capulet) Ssh! (to the cast) Alright, let's keep it going people! Action!

Capulet: (to Paris) I'm sorry, Paris, but my daughter is too young to be married!

Paris: What do you mean? Most young married girls turn out just fine! Take your wife for instance-. (A/N: For those of you who disagree, check her lines in Act One, Scene Three. She verbally admits that she gave birth to Juliet when she was younger than around twelve or so.)

Capulet: Okay, okay! You can flirt with her; just don't get any big ideas, please. I do want you to marry her, Paris. I just think she may not be ready for such a big commitment. Let's see how things go at the party. Then we'll talk about marriage. (calling offstage) Peter!

(No response is heard)

Capulet: Peter?

(Silence)

Director: PETER!

Peter: (running in like a madman) Sorry! (to Capulet) At your nervous, I-I mean service, sir!

Capulet: Invite the names of the people written on this paper to the party tonight. I'm too lazy to send invitations, plus they're too much of a hassle! Good luck! (exits with Paris)

Peter: (calling to Capulet) But I can't read! (to himself) W-W-W-W-Well, I-I-I-I guess I'll have to mind-. I mean find, someone who can knead-. I mean feed. No! _Read_, these names to me! (stops and consults the Director) _Why_ can't I read these?

Director: I don't know… Uh… you're insecure so you don't know the people of Verona very well. Plus, you were never taught to read as a young boy so you can't read the list yourself. How's that?

Random Guy: (from offstage) That explains the inconsistent stuttering!

Peter: (gives Random Guy an evil glare, then looks at the Director) Really?

Director: It's either that, or we say you're blind, so you'd have to wander around the stage like you just got hit with pepper spray.

Peter: I'll take option number one, thanks. (Romeo and Benvolio enter) Excuse me, good sirs! Can you plead-? No, head. No! Read this?

Romeo: Uh… sure. (Takes list from Peter. Just as he opens his mouth-.)

Random Guy: (popping from backstage) Please stand by for pointless name-dropping!

Peter: (at Random Guy) Would you get outta here? (Random Guy turns and exits)

Romeo: (to Director) Uh, Mr. Director, there are no names on this list.

Director: Just pretend that you read the names. Even I don't remember who they are!

Peter: Thank you, sir! My name is Peter. My friends call me Doc.

Benvolio: (to Romeo) He does not look like he has a PhD.

Peter: If you are not Montagues, then I invite you to come to the party at the Capulet house! (Exits)

Benvolio: See? This is the perfect opportunity to meet someone new! There will be plenty of good-looking girls there!

Romeo: I don't know, Benvolio.

Benvolio: Don't be such a wuss. C'mon! We'll bring Mercutio and the gang with us! It'll be great!

Romeo: Well… alright. But I highly doubt I'll meet another girl like Rosaline.

Benvolio: After this party, you'll forget about that old maid!

Romeo: Let's hope….

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><p><strong>Oh you will, Romeo. You will...<strong>

**Review and stay tuned!**

**-CG**


	4. Act One Scene Three

**Phew! Took me awhile, but the next chapter of Fortune's Fool is finally here! I also will have chapter 4 posted shortly :)**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Lady Capulet: Nurse, can you get my daughter, please?<p>

Nurse: Juliet? Juliet? …JULIET!

Juliet: (angrily) I'm right here; you don't need to yell so LOUD!

Nurse: (terrified, pointing at Lady Capulet) It was her!

Juliet: What is it, Mother?

Lady Capulet: Well, I have some news for y….(looks up to see the Nurse listening intently) If you don't mind?

Nurse: (sadly walks away)

Lady Capulet: (realizes something) Come back! I forgot. You can listen to our conversations. (thinking hard) Um.. Nurse? Would you happen to know how old my daughter is?

Nurse: I can tell her age unto an hour! Why she-!

Lady Capulet: (stern, but smiling) Nurse….

Nurse: Almost thirteen, madam. And how long until Lammastide?

Lady Capulet: Hmm…. I don't quite remember….

(Silence)

Nurse: (quietly laughing. Laughter continues until the whole cast is covering their ears)

Lady Capulet: (loudly) WHAT IS IT, NURSE?

Nurse: (holding back laughter) I'm sorry. I just remembered when my husband was still alive he would play with Juliet. One day, when she was only a few years old, she tripped and hurt herself. My husband picked her up and said, (low, almost sounding like an Asian man) "You fall upon your face? You'll fall _backward_ when you are smarter, will you not, Jule?" And by my holy dame, she looked at him and said, (loud and squeaky) "Aye!" (Continues to laugh harder, until everyone, onstage and off is nauseated. Lady Capulet goes over and covers her mouth. The Nurse stops abruptly and clears her throat as Lady Capulet returns to her spot.) Oh, Juliet! If I ever live to see thee married once, I'll have my wish!

Lady Capulet: (realizing something) Oh yes! That's exactly what I came to talk about! Juliet, what do you think of the idea of getting married?

Juliet: You're kidding, right? (looks at the Nurse and then looks at Lady Capulet like a child that's obviously guilty of something) It is an honor that I dream not of!

Lady Capulet: Well, I hope you'll change your mind when you hear this: Count Paris has asked for your hand in marriage!

Nurse: A man, lady! A man of all the world! Why he's a man of wax! (Juliet looks at her funny at this response and continues)

Lady Capulet: Well, will you at least try to like of Paris's love?

Juliet: I'll look to like if looking liking move! (Suddenly, loudly) But by Saint Peter's church and Peter too-!

Director: Not yet, Juliet!

Juliet: (realizing her mistake) Oops, sorry.

(Peter runs in, trips over the Nurse's stool, summersaults and hops back up like a cartoon character.)

Peter: Madam, the guests have come, you hauled, I mean called, my young lady masked, ASKED for, the Nurse cursed in the pantry-!

Nurse: (standing up) You liar! (begins to strangle him. Juliet separates them both)

Peter: (nearly breathless) I beseech you, follow straight! (Exits)

Lady Capulet: We're coming! (to Juliet) Juliet, the County stays. (Exits)

Juliet: He's staying here? But mother, isn't that supposed to happened _after_ marriage?

Nurse: Go, girl. Seek happy nights to happy days! (Exits)

Juliet: (as she exits) That doesn't make _any_ sense!

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><p><strong>If you think about it, for Juliet being an innocent thirteen year old, it does.<strong>

**Stay tuned!**

**-CG**


	5. Act One Scene Four

**Alright next chapter! :D**

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><p>(Romeo, Mercutio, Benvolio and a few others run onstage, yelling and whooping. A couple guys start a piggyback race and one of them falls onto the floor.)<p>

Director: Ohmigod! Is he alright?

Montague Guy: (thumbs up) I'm okay!

Director: (clicking on his walkie talkie) Put the medic on standby. (all actors stare at him weirdly) Don't mind me, keep going!

Mercutio: (swinging a torch around) C'mon, Romeo! You… gotta dance! (starts tap dancing)

Director: (facepalm) Oh boy…. (through the walkie talkie) Get some coffee, guys. This may be a long one.

Romeo: (grabs it from Mercutio) Let me carry the torch instead. I'm not up to dancing tonight.

Mercutio: (half-laughing) You are a lover; borrow Cupid's wings and soar with them above a common bound!

Romeo: Is love a tender thing?

Mercutio: If love be rough with you, be rough with love. (looking at Romeo) The way I see it….

Romeo: (pushing Mercutio and backing away) That was wrong in SO many ways!

Benvolio: (impaitiently) C'mon guys!

Romeo: I don't think we should go.

Mercutio: Oh? And why's that?

Romeo: I dream'd a dream tonight.

Mercutio: And so did I.

Romeo: Well, what was yours?

Mercutio: That dreamers often lie!

Romeo: Wait, that means… If I dream something it'll never happen, right? Like me being with Rosaline?

Mercutio: I see Queen Mab hath been with you-.

Director: STOP! (Actors look at him intently) We're cutting the monolgue!

Mercutio: Wha-? Why?

Director: It's really long and pointless.

Benovlio: Thank you! Finally, someone who understands! (air-fives Director)

Mercutio: B-But it's a true story!

Director: It's made up!

Random Guy: (popping up from behind the Director) That's what you get for getting an actor from the local insane asylum!

Director: (activating walkie-talkie) Get security in here. We have a flamingo in a flock of pigeons, over.

Security Dude 1: (through the walkie-talkie) Really? I wanna see!

Security Dude 2: (through the walkie-talkie) No, dipwad. He doesn't mean that! …What exactly do you mean, sir?

Director: Get this kid outta-! (looks to see that Random Guy has disappeared. Gruggingly) Never mind.

Mercutio: But it is true! I swear!

Director: Do you want me to bring the guys in the white coats back in here?

Mercutio:...No….

Director: Then let's keep going!

Romeo: (laughing) You talk of nonsense!

Mercutio: True, I talk of dreams, which are the children of an idle brain-.

Benvolio: (rolling eyes in annoyance) We're going to be late!

Romeo: (as everyone leaves except him and Benvolio) I have a bad feeling about this….

Benvolio: You have that feeling every time before you meet a girl! Let's go! (Exits with Romeo)

Director: Alright, Tech Team, set up the stage for the masquerade sequence!

Tech Guy: Um… boss? We have a problem.

Director: What now?

Tech Guy: The set pieces are missing.

Director: What? How the he-? (Loud screeching brakes and honking horns can be heard outside. Director runs out with Tech Guy to go take a look. Random Guy is in a truck, which has the set pieces in the back, laughing like a maniac and drives away.) (to Tech Guy) Get those set pieces back! I don't care how you do it. Just GET THEM BACK!

Tech Guy: (scared out of his mind) Y-Y-Yes boss!

Director: (walking back into the theatre) Okay, people take a break!

Tech Guy: (activates walkie-talkie) Hey, George, bring in the Batmobile.

George: (through the walkie-talkie) We don't have one, Sam.

Tech Guy: (through the walkie-talkie) You know what I'm talking about! (deactivates walkie-talkie and facepalms) This is gonna be a long day….

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><p><strong>Oh great, I may have to learn how to control Random Guy...<strong>

**Director: You'd better! Otherwise the show won't go on!**

**Random Guy: (as a black convertable chases him in the truck) You'll never take me alive! (laughs evilky)**

**Okay... But a quick explanation for Mercutio: A friend of mine (let's call her... meh, Krys) always thought that Mercutio was insane. It became a joke between me and her and it kinda stuck with me. Besides, this one's not entirely different from the one in the original, right?**

**Anyway, more to come! That is if we can get the set pieces back. (sets up the paintball gun) This could get crazy.**

**-CG**


	6. Act One Scene Five

**And after two long months of school and busy-ness, I've FINALLY UPDATED! Woo-hoo! Sorry for the long delay, folks! With me starting a new school year, I had a lot on my plate, but now I have everything in balance, so I SHOULD be updating more!**

**Now enough chit-chat, enjoy!**

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><p>(A group of actors in costume wait around onstage. Director walks in with Tech Guy and George, who are restraining Random Guy. RG is wearing a white straightjacket.)<p>

Director: Okay, everyone! Now that we have the set pieces back we can finally continue on with the show. PLACES! (Actors scatter as he returns his attention to RG) As for you, whatever-your-name-is, I'm sick of all of your antics ruining the show and distracting our actors! I could just let you leave, but I'm not taking any chances. (to Tech Guy and George) Lock him in the janitor's closet.

Random Guy: (as he's being dragged away) Aww c'mon! You're no fun! And why did you put me in a straightjacket?

Tech Guy: The Director didn't want you to try and escape.

Random Guy: Is that why my legs are tied up?

Tech Guy: Yes. (tosses him in the closet and locks the door) There. That'll take care of you. (runs back to his spot in the tech booth)

Director: Let's do this people! Tech Guy, cue the music!

(Tech Guy hits a button and suddenly Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music" plays over the speakers. Director looks back in confusion, to which Tech Guy shrugs and quickly changes the track to a violin version of "Bad Romance". Everyone onstage begins dancing and mingling. Romeo & the gang arrive shortly after the music starts. The gang starts mocking everyone's dancing while Romeo stares at Juliet in awe.)

Romeo: (to a Servant) _Who_ is _she_?

Servant: I don't know, sir.

Romeo: Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright. Did my heart love 'til now? Forswear it sight. For I never saw true beauty 'til this night!

Servant: Your starting to sound like that Mercutio fellow…. (walks away)

Tybalt: (having overheard Romeo's conversation) A Montague! (pulls out his sword)

Capulet: (holding Tybalt back) Enough, nephew! Romeo is showing some respect, and you should do the same!

Tybalt: But he's our enemy!

Capulet: You are a saucy boy!

Tybalt: (stands in confusion)

Capulet: That'll shut you up.

(Tech Guy changes the music to hear Cascada's "Everytime We Touch" play over the speakers.)

Director: What's going on up there?

Tech Guy: I think Random Guy kinda pre-planned a few things before he got caught!

Director: Well then fix it!

Tech Guy: (Changes music to "With or Without You")

Romeo: (approaching Juliet with a smile) If I profane with my unworthiest hand, this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand, to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

Juliet: (giggling) You're cute.

(They're about to kiss when-)

Juliet: (mood changes from love to annoyance) Hold up! I am NOT kissing Bacon-Breath over here!

Romeo: (annoyed) Not my fault you're a vegetarian.

Director: Can you two please just put your differences aside and kiss?

Romeo & Juliet: (looking at each other, then back at the Director) NO.

Director: C'mon! Please? Not even just for this scene?

Romeo & Juliet: NO.

Director: (sighing) I'll buy the doughnuts for the next rehearsal!

Romeo & Juliet: (sighing) Fine. (they kiss, and it slowly turns into a make-out session)

Director: (noticting the Nurse being distracted by her own enjoyment) NURSE, you're on!

Nurse: (snaps to reality, sees them kissing, grossed out) Madam! Your mother wishes to see you! (Juliet, realizing the embarrassing thing she's done, runs offstage)

Romeo: (still in a daze) Who's her mother?

Nurse: Meh, the owner of the house. (walks away to "comfort" Juliet)

Romeo: (a loud needle scratches as he snaps out of his daze) A CAPULET?

Benvolio: (grabbing Romeo) Thanks a lot, Romeo. Now we've blown our cover! (The gang exits)

Capulet: Come back! The party's not over yet!

Lady Capulet: (approaching her husband) It's late. We should go crash.

Capulet: (reluctantly) Aww… very well.

(Everyone exits, except for Juliet and the Nurse)

Juliet: (dazed) Nurse, could you go find out who that man was whom I was dancing with?

Nurse: Uh… sure. (runs off, then back onstage) His name is Romeo, the son of your great enemy.

Juliet: (needle scratch as she snaps from her daze) A MONATGUE? Me only love sprung from my only hate!

Nurse: You're starting to sound like Mercutio… maybe you should retire for the night.

Juliet: Maybe I should…. (They exit)

Director: All right! Clear the stage, set up the balcony for the next scene, and for the love of God, someone fix the sound board!

George: Hey, boss!

Director: What is it?

George: Whatever-his-name-is just escaped!

Director: (face turns red as he grows angrier and angrier….)

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><p><strong>AND... I'm gonna stop there! The last thing I want my readers to see is a Director explosion! Next is the Act Two Prologue!<strong>

_(Director stomps into CC's room)_

_CC: Aw crap._

_Director: WHY DID YOU LET HIM ESCAPE? I THOUGHT WE DISCUSSED THIS! $&%#&#%#!#$!_

_CC: (nervously laughing, to the readers) I'll be back after these messages. (pulls out the magic remote and changes it to Boomerang)_

**(sounding like a commercial announcer guy) There's more Fortune's Fool on the way, so don't go anywhere!**


	7. Act Two Prologue

**And we're back ladies and gentleman! Apologies about the actions of our Director. Sometimes I have absolutely no control over my characters-.**

_Director: (annoyed) Oh _sure_, you don't! I bet you don't even know where that kid is!_

_Me: I really don't! I've searched all over the place for him!_

_Director: You're totally lying._

_Me: I know, but how else can I get the story moving?_

**Anyway (before the Director has another chance to rat me out...) Enjoy!**

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><p>Chorus: Now old desire doth in his deathbed lie-.<p>

(Enter Random Guy, standing on the balcony)

Random Guy: How can that be possible? He's not even dead yet!

Chorus: (trying to ignore him) And young affection gapes to be his heir-.

Random Guy: Doesn't that make Juliet his daughter?

Chorus: That fair for which love groaned for and would die

With tender Juliet matched, is now not fair.

Now Romeo is beloved and loves again,

Alike bewitchèd by the charm of looks-.

Random Guy: Um… this isn't Macbeth, dude.

Chorus: But to his foe supposed he must complain,

And she steal love's sweet bait from fearful hooks.

Being held a foe, he may not have access

To breathe such vows as lovers use to swear.

And she as much in love, her means much less

To meet her new beloved anywhere.

Random Guy: How can she do that when she's practically under house arrest?

Chorus: But passion lends them power, time means, to meet,

Tempering extremities with extreme sweet.

Random Guy: "Extreme sweet?" What is this? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

Chorus: (angered beyond belief) Now you listen here, bub! You've been nothin' but a nuisance to me, the staff and the other actors!. Are you even in this play?

Random Guy: Well, I-.

Chorus: And another thing, you never bring up the Scottish Play! Y'know what happens when you say the name of the Scottish Play in the theatre?

Random Guy: Uh….

Chorus: BAD THINGS HAPPEN, DEUSH-BAG! BAD THINGS!

Director: (annoyed) Chorus, he _is_ our bad thing. Besides, the curse doesn't exist!

(A loud crash is heard in the background. A man's scream can be heard.)

Chorus: Wanna bet?

(Tybalt limps onstage with the help of the Nurse and Juliet)

Director: What happened?

Tybalt: Some light hanging from the ceiling dropped on my leg! I think it's broken!

Chorus: See! I told ya!

(Director glares at Random Guy)

Random Guy: I swear I had nothing to do with this!

Director: Well, since our Tybalt is injured, YOU will have to take his place.

Chorus: What? What about me?

Director: You already have a role! There's a reason you got Chorus, kid.

Chorus: (pointing at Random Guy) But you said so yourself that he's a total nuisance.

Director: We might as well put him to good use.

Chorus: (angrily) Y'know what? I've been wanting to get a good role in this play for so long. I worked my butt off for auditions. I wanted so bad to get a lead, and do I get? CHORUS! The stupid CHORUS! And when I finally have a shot of getting a lead (points at Random guy) HE gets it! So you know what, Mr. Director? I QUIT! (storms offstage. The sound of a door slamming is heard offstage. The other castmates look at the Director.)

Director: (unfazed) Good thing that was his last scene. Don't worry, he'll be back. And if he doesn't, I'll just let Friar Lawrence take his place.

Friar Lawrence: (runs onstage) Woo-hoo! (runs off)

Director: Okay…. (returns his attention to Random Guy) Get into costume and grab a script, you're on in five minutes.

Random Guy: But-.

Director: No buts. Unless you want me to call security. (Random Guy shakes his head)

* * *

><p><strong>Well now, things have taken quite the turn haven't they?<strong>

_Random Guy: (grumbling to himself) Stupid Director... putting me in this play... Author's such a-._

_Me: Hey, hey, hey! It was either Tybalt or Friar Lawrence! Which one would you pick!_

_Random Guy: (is silenced and resumes putting on his costume)_

**Wow... I never thought I could get him to be quiet.**


	8. Act Two Scene One

**Man, schoolwork can really limit the extent of your imagination sometimes, have you noticed? (Just kidding, of course :) )**

**Enough chit-chat from me, onward!**

* * *

><p>(Romeo enters onstage with a map)<p>

Romeo: Alright, if that was the Capulet ballroom and if the grand staircase leads to two different hallways… (looking up at the balcony) Ah, there it is!

Director: (chuckling) A bit stalker-ish, aren't we, Romeo?

Romeo: Hey! I didn't write this script! (looks over at the Author who's watching silently offstage)

Director: (sighs) Point taken. (calls to stage left) Send in the clowns!

Mercutio, Benvolio, and the Gang: ROMEO!

Romeo: (looking stage left) Damn! (jumps behind a bush)

Mercutio, Benvolio and the Gang: (as they wander drunkily onstage) ROMEO! RO-ME-OOOOO!

Mercutio: (obviously drunk) He's smmmart. I bet he's already in bed. (hiccup)

Benvolio: He ran this way and (hiccup) lept this orchard wall! Call him, good (hiccup) Mercutio!

Director: (noticing the actor's movements and language) Wow. I think Mercutio's finally got it. But Benvolio… something's wrong with him…. (to the other guys) Did anything happen with him in the past hour? (they grunt and shake their heads dismissively) Huh. I wonder what's-?

Mercutio: (doing random arm movements) Yyyomeo! Tumors! Manmad! Lassion! (hiccup) Povler!

Director: (Concerned) Mercutio, Benvolio, c'mere! (they stumble over, Director sniffs the air and backs away in disgust) Awww man! You guys reek! (grabs Mercutio's flask from his hand and sniffs) Have you two been drinking?

Benvolio: (to Mercutio) Come! He hath hid himself among these trees (hiccup), to be consorted with the numerous hight (hiccup).

Mercutio: Good night, Romeo! (laughs insanely, exits with Benvolio)

Director: (frustratingly at the Gang) Get them in iced water or something. They'll get back to normal eventually. (calling from offstage) KID, GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!

Random Guy: (walks in, reading script intimately. He looks up) What?

Director: (angrily) Don't "what" me! I know you put liquor into Mercutio's flask!

Random Guy: (confused) I did what now?

Director: You heard me!

Random Guy: I hate to tell you this, but I have no idea what you're talking about.

Director: (aggressively) CG! Get in here!

Author: (rushes in with laptop in hand) What's up?

Director: Did he or did he not put alcohol into the flask?

Author: (shaking my head dismissively) I honestly don't know.

Director: (facepalm. Calmly) As you were, Kid.

Random Guy: (awkwardly) Yes sir….

Director: (towards Author) You… you…

Author: (stopping him) No explosions. I didn't write you to be so uptight. (thinks about it for a second) Actually I did, just not this much. (walks away as Director stares in confusion)

* * *

><p><strong>Ah, the joys of being an author... More to come!<strong>


	9. Act Two Scene Two

_Alrighty folks. I owe you all a _**HUGE**_apology for the delay. What with school, Writer's Block and stupid drama goin' on, I've yet to update on this story. But, never fear! It's a new year and I'm determined to complete this story._

_Director: (stomping into the room) I _**HOPE**_ you are! Because of you, we're behind schedule! (grabs CG's ear and drags her out the door)_

_Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!_

_Director: (flings her in front of her writer's desk) Now get goin', missy! We gotta show to do! (slams the door behind him)_

_Wow…. A couple months away and he's STILL uptight._

_Director: I heard that!_

_Well, anyway…. ON WITH THE SHOW!_

* * *

><p>Romeo: (staring where Benvolio and Mercutio had left) Idiots….<p>

(Romeo starts climbing up the balcony, just as Juliet appears at the balcony, in her nightgown. Romeo looks at her in awe.)

Romeo: What, soft! What light through yonder window breaks! It is the east, and Juliet is the sun! (pauses, then looks at the Director)

Director: What?

Romeo: Are we cutting this one out, too?

Director: (looking through the script) Uh… no. Actually you get to say quite a bit of this one.

Romeo: (smiles excitedly) YES! (looks back to Juliet) It is my lady. Oh, it is my love. Oh, that she knew she were! (Juliet leans her hand onto her cheek and sighs) See how she leans her cheek upon her hand. Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch her cheek.

Juliet: (sighs again) Aye, me….

Romeo: (in awe) She speaks! O, speak again, bright angel!

Juliet: (passionately) O, Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet!

Author: (walking in, leaning towards the Director) Why aren't you stopping them?

Director: (not even looking at the Author) Ssh! This is getting good!

Juliet: (still passionately) 'Tis but thy name that is thy enemy. What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other word would smell as sweet. Romeo, doff thy name! And for that name, which is no part of thee, take all myself!

Romeo: (a bit TOO loudly) I take thee at thy word!

Juliet: (noticing Romeo, screams like a little girl)

Romeo: (panicked) Please don't scream!

Juliet: (runs in, comes back out putting on her robe) What the hell are you doing out here, you pervert!

Romeo: Whoa! I'm no pervert!

Juliet: So a guy who finds out where my room is, stares at me _in my pajamas_ for Lord knows how long, and listens in on my secret wishes isn't a pervert?

Romeo: (sheepishly) No…. That's a stalker.

Juliet: (defensive) You better get outta here, or I'll call my kinsmen to run you through!

Director: Tut-tut-tut! You can't do that!

Juliet: Why not?

Author: If you do that, he gets killed and you'll be forced to marry that Count Paris, which, by the way, is about thirty years older than you.

Juliet: (looking at Romeo, than to the Author) I'd take him over that guy (points at Romeo) any day!

Author: Well, too bad! We're going by the plot, and Shakespeare says (pointing at Romeo) he's your beau! Now start flirting!

Director: (surprised) Wow. When did you get so defensive?

Author: Long story….

Director: Okay…. (to the actors) Continuing on!

Juliet: (glares at the Author, then to Romeo) Who are you? Why do you hide in the darkness and listen to my private thoughts?

Romeo: (sheepishly) If I tell you, you'll hate me. And for that I hate myself.

Juliet: (almost hurt) I don't hate you…. I just hate who you are. Your name.

Romeo: You know… I could change it, if that makes you feel better.

Juliet: You don't have to do that.

Romeo: But I… I want to. Because I know it'll make you happy and less intimidated to approach me.

Juliet: I'm not intimidated by your name. And… to be honest… just being away from you makes me unhappy.

Romeo: Do you really mean that?

Juliet: (smiling) I do.

(They lean closer and closer to each other…. And then they kiss.)

Director: (a little grossed out) Did you-?

Author: (a little offended) No. There is no frickin' way I'd write something _this_ corny!

Romeo: (staring intimately into her eyes) Marry me tomorrow?

(Before Juliet can respond….)

Nurse: (offstage) JULIET!

Juliet: (towards offstage) Coming! (to Romeo) When shall I send for thee?

Romeo: At the hour of nine.

Juliet: (kissing him again) 'Tis twenty years 'til then. Farewell, my love! (runs offstage)

(Romeo, astonished, climbs down from the balcony. As he leaves, Juliet reemerges.)

Juliet: Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow. (exits)

Romeo: (to himself) Wow, she's hot! And now to take care of business…. TO THE BATMOBILE! (runs and exits offstage)

Director: (flips through the script) That's not in the-.

Author: Just let it happen.

Director: But-.

Author: (almost mocking him from earlier) Ssh! (she exits)

Director: (kinda confused) Uh…. Okay. (yelling at the Tech Crew backstage) Alright, guys, tear down the balcony and let's get toi the next scene, shall we?

(The ground shakes and Random Guy appears, riding a bulldozer)

Random Guy: Need a little help tearing this down boss?

Director: (facepalm, sighs) No, kid. Just go work on your lines some more.

Random Guy: Okay! (runs offstage like Fred Flintstone)

Director: (shaking his head) Well, we might as well make use of that bulldozer….

* * *

><p><em>Ah, young love.<em>

_But anyway, I'm _**really**_ sorry for not updating guys. But I think I know where I'm going with this-._

_Director: I sure hope so!_

_Be quiet or I'll have Random Guy do something drastic!_

_Director: You wouldn't dare!_

_Oh no? Watch me!_

_Director: Sheesh, and she thought I was uptight..._

_I AM NOT!_

_Director: Yes, you are!_

_*sighs* How about I close the chapter, and we discuss this _professionally_?_

_Director: Uh... Sure._

_Alright then, more to come folks, don't go anywhere! (unless you have to eat, drink, pee or have a hot date, which in that case, just keep this bookmarked jk lol ;) ) Can't wait to hear from ya soon!_

_-CheshireGurl0913_


	10. Act Two Scene Three

_Another chapter, hooray! I'm not slacking! And yes, me and the Director did have our little talk…._

_Director: Oh I get it, so the reason you weren't updating was because-._

_I don't want to talk about it._

_Director: But-!_

_Nope!_

_Director: But-!_

_Uh-uh!_

_Director: Why are you-?_

_Because I can!_

_Director: Okay then…._

_Anyway, ON TO THE CHAPTER!_

* * *

><p>Director: Places, people!<p>

Tech Guy: Uh, sir?

Director: Not now, techie, I'm busy.

Tech Guy: But you probably should know that-.

Director: Cue the Friar!

(Friar Lawrence enter onstage, a basket of flowers in his hands)

Friar Lawrence: (singing) Oh, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood-.

Director: This isn't Mr. Rogers , Friar Lawrence!

Friar Lawrence: (annoyed, but shrugs it off) Ah… flowers. It's amazing what they can do. (Takes out one of them) Take this for example. This one, if smelt, can cure you of almost any ailment. But if you drink it (chuckles) well, it was nice knowing you.

(Romeo runs in…. only to slip and fall on his butt)

Romeo: What the-?

Director: (to Tech Guy) How did-?

Tech Guy: I tried to tell you. We waxed the floor before we started the scene.

Director: Oh…. (to Romeo) Anything broken?

Romeo: Aside from my self-esteem? No.

Director: Alright then, keep going!

Friar Lawrence: Well if it isn't Romeo! What are you doing here? It's barely morning! (looking at Romeo, with concern) You haven't been in bed tonight, have you? (Romeo nods, Friar Lawrence facepalms) Were you with Rosaline?

Romeo: Who?

Friar Lawrence: Rosaline. The girl you've been madly in love with for quite sometime now.

Romeo: Oh, her! Nope! In fact, I've forgotten all about the sadness she gave me. I've been feasting with my enemy. My heart's dear love is set on the fair daughter of rich Capulet. In fact, we're both determined to be married by this afternoon!

Friar Lawrence: Well, it's a good thing you've forgotten about that Rosaline girl, I-…. CAPULET? (Romeo nods) Holy Saint Francis! I thought that maybe you at least had a small chance with Rosaline.

Romeo: (playfully) Hey now, you're the one who scolded me so often for loving her!

Friar Lawrence: No, I scolded you for obsessing over her.

Romeo: Pft! I wasn't obsessed with her!

Friar Lawrence: Tell that to all the times I've caught you in a tree trying to spy on her.

Random Guy: (emerging from backstage) Oooo! BURN!

Author: (emerging then dragging him backstage) That's not a burn moment, dude. Now get back to working on the fight choreography!

Romeo: Hey! At least this one loves me back!

Friar Lawrence: (quietly) That's not what I heard.

Romeo: What was that?

Friar Lawrence: Oh nothing! But honestly, Romeo, you just met this girl when?

Romeo: Last night.

Friar Lawrence: LAST NIGHT? I don't know….

Romeo: (starts begging) Please? Pretty please with whipped cream, nuts, sprinkles, caramel, hot fudge and-.

Friar Lawrence: Alright already! Fine. I'll help you. But I'm doing this for one valid reason.

Romeo: So you can tell your Friar friends you've done something other than pick flowers?

Friar Lawrence: (rolls his eyes, then smiles) No, in fact, the reason I'm doing this is because I have a feeling it will bring these two families together. Turn their rancor to pure love, if you know what I mean.

Romeo: Thank you, Friar! Now to tell Juliet! (runs, but slips once again on the waxed floor)

Friar Lawrence: (lifts up Romeo and drags him offstage) Be wise and slow. They stumble that run fast.

* * *

><p><em>Wow, even I didn't expect Romeo to be so... Well, I think you've all figured it out by now. But seriously, even I didn't expect it. And I'm the one writing this story!<em>

_Random Guy: Why am I learning fight choreography again?_

_Cuz you're gonna have to fight Mercutio and Romeo pretty soon._

_Random Guy: WHAT?_

_Yeah... We'll be right back... after I straighten him out. Calm down, dude! It's not like you're gonna die or something!_


	11. Act Two Scene Four

**Another chapter! Huzzah! In the words of Monsters Inc. "Keep the doors coming, Charlie. I'm on a roll today!" :D**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Director: Alright, let's get rolling! (leans to Tech Guy, who's watching intently) And the drunk duo are…?<p>

Tech Guy: Don't worry, sir. They're completely sober.

Director: (relieved) Thank goodness. As much as I'd like to hear Mercutio talk like the other actors, I think this is for the best. (sighs) Let's go, people!

(Enter Mercutio, Benvolio and the rest of the Montague gang. All are looking frantically)

Mercutio: Where the devil should this Romeo be? Came he not home tonight?

Benvolio: He wasn't at his father's.

Mercutio: He wasn't in the woods.

Benvolio: Where could he be?

(The whole group sits and thinks hard)

Mercutio: (jumping like a maniac) I GOT IT! (they all look at him, expectant) We'll play Blue's Clues to figure out where Romeo is!

(The group moans in annoyance and goes back to looking. Benvolio goes over to Mercutio and hits him on top of the head)

Mercutio: Owwww!

Benvolio: (shakes his head in shame) Honestly, I don't know what to do with you. But finding Romeo is not our only problem…. (pulls out letter) It's from Tybalt.

Mercutio: (after reading it) A challenge on my life! But is he a man to encounter Tybalt?

Benvolio: What's his story?

Mercutio: More than Prince of Cats. Oh, he's the courageous captain of compliments! The very butcher of a silk button! A duelist, a duelist! A gentleman of the very first house. (pulls out his sword) Ah, the immortal _passado _(mocks movement to look like a goofy-version of Tybalt) the _punto reverso_, (thrusts sword) the _hai!_ (thrusts so hard that he falls on his face)

Benvolio: The what?

Mercutio: In short, a very good blade!

(The gang tries to lift him up when Benvolio see Romeo enter)

Benvolio: ROMEO!

(The gang drops Mercutio to run to Romeo)

Mercutio: (stumbling up) Without his roe, like a dried herring. O flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified!

Romeo: (laughing) What do you mean?

Mercutio: (teasingly) Can you not conceive?

Romeo: Oh, pardon, good Mercutio. I had very important business to take care of.

Mercutio: That's as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains a man to bow in the hams. (bends his knees like a ballet dancer, the gang laughs)

Romeo: Meaning to curtsy? (curtsies, the gang laughs harder)

Mercutio: (walks behind him) Thou hast most kindly hit it! (Kicks Romeo from behind, causing Romeo to land on the floor)

Romeo: (chuckles) That's a courteous explanation.

Mercutio: Nay, I'm the very pink of courtesy!

Romeo: (looks at him with a smile) Pink for flower?

Mercutio: (lending a hand to help Romeo up) Right!

Romeo: Well then, my pump is well flowered! (Mercutio lifts him up as he says this, the gang is laughing their heads off by this point)

Mercutio: (laughing hard, tumbles to Benvolio) Come between us, good Benvolio. My wits faint! (looks over at Romeo) Why, is not this better now than groaning for love? Now art thou sociable. Now art thou Romeo. Now art thou what thou art—by art as well as by nature, for this driveling love is like a great natural that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a hole! (puts his blade to where it looks like…. Well, I think you get the idea :P )

Benvolio: Stop there! Stop there!

Mercutio: (turning to Benvolio, sword still in place) Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair?

Benvolio: (mocking him) Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large. (Mercutio's sword drops)

Random Guy: (enters but is stopped by the Author)

Author: Nuh-uh. We're NOT doing that again!

Random Guy: Oh c'mon! It was a total burn that time!

(As the two exit, the Nurse and Peter arrive onstage)

Mercutio: A sail! A sail!

Benvolio: Two! A shirt and a smock!

Nurse: PETER!

Peter: (pops his head up from being distracted by a bug) Yes?

Nurse: (holds hand out) My fan, Peter.

Mercutio: (snagging the fan before the Nurse can get it) Good, Peter, to hide her face, for her fan's the fairer face! (The gang laughs once again)

Nurse: (snagging her fan back, annoyed) Good morning gentlemen.

Mercutio: God ye good e'en, fair gentlewoman!

Nurse: Is it noon already?

Mercutio: (walking behind her) 'Tis no less, I tell you, for the bawdy hand of the dial is now upon the prick of noon! (smacks her from behind)

Nurse: (angrily) What kind of a man are you?

Mercutio: One, gentlewoman, that God hath made, himself to mar.

Nurse: (under her breath) I wish! (normally) Can any of you tell me where I may find Romeo?

(Romeo steps towards the Nurse)

The Gang: (teasingly) Oooooo! (laughs)

Nurse: I'd like to have a *ahem* "confidence," with you. (1)

Benvolio: (teasingly) Ooo, she will "indite" him to some supper! (2) (The group laughs like drunk maniacs)

Mercutio: (regaining breath) Romeo, will you come to your father's? We'll to dinner, thither.

Romeo: (refraining from laughing) I'll follow you.

Mercutio: (to the Nurse) Farewell, ancient lady. Farewell!

(All stumble, laughing, offstage, leaving Romeo, the Nurse and Peter. Peter is choking back laughter)

Nurse: Who was that *bleep*?

Romeo: A man who likes to hear his own voice.

Nurse: (to Peter, who stops laughing at the sight of the Nurse) And is there a reason you did NOTHING?

Peter: I thaw- saw, no man use you at his measure-, um, pleasure. Believe me, I'll draw my sword as slick-, quick as any other man, if I see a fight starting and the law is on my thigh-, side!

Nurse: (to Romeo) Anyway, I know my Juliet is wanting to marry you…. (turns away, but turns sharply back with a knife in hand. Steps forward, making Romeo back away) But if you should lead her to a fool's paradise, as they say, I swear I will-!

Romeo: Relax, miss! I have no intention of breaking her heart.

Nurse: (looks him as if she doesn't trust him, then puts the blade away) So what is it you need to tell Juliet?

Romeo: Tell her to make an excuse to come to confession this afternoon at Friar Lawrence's cell. There she will be married.

Nurse: (smiles happily) Oh my! She'll be so happy when I tell her!

Romeo: (pulls out a handful of coins) A reward for your efforts.

Nurse: No… I shouldn't.

Romeo: (as he's putting them away) Okay….

Nurse: (snatching the coins from his hand) That doesn't mean I won't do it!

Romeo: (smiles and begins to leave) Farewell. Commend me to thy lady! (Exits)

Nurse: Ay! A thousand times! …. PETER!

Peter: (popping up from staring at a flower) What?

Nurse: (as she's shoving him offstage) Go! Go! Go!

Director: Well, that actually went-. (A crash is heard from backstage) Well?

Random Guy: (from backstage) GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!

Director: What happened back there?

Tech Guy: (runs onstage) It appears that the Nurse pushed Peter so hard that it knocked over some of the actors.

Director: No one's hurt right?

Tech Guy: (looking backstage) Um… no, it doesn't look like it.

Director: Thank goodness.

Tech Guy: But they did break a few set pieces.

Director: (face palm) Great…just great….

* * *

><p><strong>Y'know, I think that last moment would've been better if someone blew a vuvuzela.<strong>

**Random Guy: A what?**

**Y'know, that horn everyone seemed to complain about during the World Series?**

**Random Guy: (pulling one out) You mean this? (blows it loudly)**

**Yeah...that...**

* * *

><p><strong>Notes!<strong>

**(1) Just in case some of you don't get the joke, the Nurse is using malaprophism, where bits of words are changed to where it sounds like the word, but not quite. She means to say the word "conference".**

**(2) Benvolio is mocking the Nurse here by saying "indite" instead of "invite".**


	12. Act Two Scene Five

**Yeah, yeah... I haven't updated. Those of you who keep up with my other stories know why, so I feel no point in explaining. All that's important is... I'VE UPDATED!1!11111! :D**

**On with the show!**

* * *

><p>(Tech Guy pushes on a background piece for Juliet's room, now repaired with multiple colors of duct tape.)<p>

Director: (epicfacepalm) You can't be serious.

Tech Guy: We couldn't find the staple gun, boss.

Director: (sighs) Very well. You're on, Jules!

Juliet: (Enters onstage, pacing) I sent the Nurse _three hours ago_! What if she can't find him? (stops) Psh! Naa! (continues pacing) Oh, she's **SO** slow! It would've been so much easier if these people had invented a _cell phone_ or _Facebook_!

Author: (realizing that the Director is staring at her awkwardly) Don't look at me, I didn't write that.

Juliet: (still pacing) Now if only she was younger, but _no_. (as if taunting someone backstage) She's far from young. She's so old that she was a waitress at the Last Supper! (classic comedy drumbeat here)Young people can get things done so much faster! And they have a better chance of getting with that guy from fifth period English!

Nurse: (popping out from backstage, knife in hand) Oh no you didn't!

Director: (quickly) Drop the knife, Nurse! We can't replace her! (Suddenly, Random Guy walks on, in a red dress, makeup and heels.) Like I said, we can't replace her.

Author: (dragging Random Guy offstage) Sorry, dude. Not happening.

Random Guy: Awww! And I just found the right shade of lipstick! (They exit.)

Nurse: (still annoyed) So? You can't replace me either! (Then the Author walks on in the same Nurse costume.)

Random Guy: (from offstage) I wouldn't be so sure!

Author: (staring at the Nurse in fear. The Nurse is now angrily staring at her.) Look it's not what you think! I mean, of course, I would love to be the Nurse, but really….

Nurse: Mmmhmm?

Author: (nervously laughing) Exit stage left! (Runs in midair, then zooms at the speed of light offstage)

Nurse: (chasing after her) Get back here, you *bleep*! (stops abruptly) Oh, by the way, Romeo's waiting to hook up with you. I'd get over there before that boy changes his mind. (chasing after the Author again) Get back here!

Juliet: (squealing with excitement) I'm getting married! (skips offstage)

Random Guy: (sees the Nurse chasing the Author) I don't know if you'll be able to catch her.

Nurse: (stops in front of him and drops the knife into the palm of his hand) Oh no? (pulls out paintball gun from nowhere) Watch me!

Director: (standing with Random Guy, awkwardly looking at each other) Ah well! Set up the cathedral!

* * *

><p><strong>Random Guy: Well... our Author is a bit busy at the moment so I'll be the one to say that she'll try to updated more soon!<strong>

**(running from nowhere, angrily glaring at Random Guy) Oh, you will _so_ pay for this!**

**Nurse: WHERE IS SHE?**

**Eeekk! (runs away)**

**Random Guy: Please note, no actors were harmed in the making of this chapter... except for our Author...yea, she's not gonna make it.**


	13. Act Two Scene Six

**Yay! Another chapter! *does a happy dance***

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Friar Lawrence: Oh…. I really hope I'm doing the right thing….<p>

Romeo: (smacking the Friar very hard in the back) Don't worry about it! I'm sure the parents will be fine with this. What'll they do? Pft! Kill me?

Friar Lawrence: (awkwardly) Well….

Juliet: (entering from other end of the stage) Hello…? (sees Romeo) Romeo!

Romeo: My love! (They run toward each other to embrace… only to hit each other's heads and fall on their butts) You, okay?

Juliet: (dazed for a moment) Who are you?

Romeo: Oh, perfect, you're still conscious! (helps her up) Let's get married!

Juliet: Ooo! I can't wait!

Random Guy: (stepping onstage) Hold up! (the group onstage stares at him) If were gonna do this, we're gonna do this _right!_

(Before anyone has a chance to move, the "cathedral" is transformed with beautiful flowers in vases and sheer fabric hanging at the top of the stage.)

Author: (noticing the new décor) Umm…. Is all this really necessary?

Random Guy: (looks at her in surprise) Are you serious? (looks at the couple) She's not serious, is she? (They shrug and he continues) Listen, kid, if you were getting married, wouldn't you want it to at least look good? Not take place in some damp jail cell? (looks to the Friar) No offense.

Friar Lawrence: None taken.

Random Guy: (to Author) Well…?

Author: (after a moment of awkward silence) Fair enough!

Random Guy: (to Friar Lawrence, all perky) Hit it, Larry!

Friar Lawrence: (nervously) I… I don't know….

Random Guy: (annoyed beyond belief) Oh c'mon!

Friar Lawrence: I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if I really want to go through with this. I mean… (pointing at Romeo and Juliet) They're just kids!

Romeo and Juliet: (just as annoyed) Hey!

Friar Lawrence: Haven't you heard of what happens to kids who marry at a young age?

Romeo: Does it look like we care?

Author: (pulling out her laptop from nowhere) Actually one in three teen marriages end in divorce by the time they're twenty-five. (the cast looks at her weirdly) It's on Wikipedia.

Juliet: Can we just get this over with already?

Friar Lawrence: (sighs) Fine. (mumbling to himself) It better be worth it for all I have to go through with you kids.

Random Guy: (popping up from behind the Friar) I heard that!

(The group exits offstage until only Random Guy and the Author remain.)

Director: Well, now the wedding's over, who's gonna clean this up?

(Random Guy starts tip-toeing offstage, only to bump into the Author, who has a broom in her hand. Sighing, he reluctantly takes it and starts sweeping.)

* * *

><p><strong>Well, now that the wedding's over... It's time to get to the good stuff!<strong>

**Random Guy: (wanders around, flipping the broom like a ninja, making loud ninja-like sounds)**

**So, you ready to die?**

**Random Guy: (suddenly, abruptly stopping from crazy spinning) What?**

**'Til next time!**


	14. Act Three Scene One

**Yeah! Another chapter!**

**But there is a reason why this one took some time... This was the hardest chapter I had to write, no joke. But not for the same reasons you may be thinking. Meh, we shall see...**

**Anyway, enjoy.**

* * *

><p>(Benvolio, Mercutio and the Montague crew walked onstage.)<p>

Benvolio: Hey, Merc, I don't think this is such a good idea….

Mercutio: (laughing) Thou art like one of those fellows that, when he enters the confines of a tavern, claps me his sword upon the table and says "God send me no need of thee!" and, by the operation of the second cup, draws it on the drawer when indeed there is no need.

Benvolio: So… basically you're saying I'm just as guilty of starting a fight as you are.

Mercutio: Yeah, pretty much.

Random Guy: (from offstage) Hey! He-!

Author: (also from offstage) Cork it, dude!

Benvolio: (pointing offstage) Oh great, here come the Capulets!

Mercutio: Ha! By my heel, I care not!

Random Guy: (as the other Capulets come onstage) I am NOT going out there!

Author: I wrote this script, so you are!

Random Guy: Make me!

(Suddenly, Random Guy, dressed as Tybalt, stumbles onstage, rubbing his butt in pain.)

Benvolio: That's gotta hurt.

Random Guy: You're telling me. (gives Author a tiny glare while she smiles like a chibi anime character) Anyway, can I have a word with one of you?

Mercutio: And but one word with one of us? Couple it with something. Make it a word and a blow.

Random Guy: (confused, but still somehow getting it) Um…. You "consort" with Romeo, right? (an epicfacepalm can be heard backstage, most notably from the Author)

Mercutio: (his anger slowly growing) Consort? What, dost thou make us minstrels? An thou make minstrels of us, look to hear nothing but discords. Here's my fiddlestick. Here's that shall make you dance. Zounds, "consort"!

Benvolio: (trying to hold Mercutio back) Uh, is it possible that we could talk somewhere _private_?

Random Guy: We can't. The script calls for us to stay onstage. (Gregory whacks Random Guy upside the head, and he continues as he sees Romeo enter onstage) Ah, here's the guy I was looking for! (shaking his hand) Hey, how's it going, man!

Romeo: (confused beyond belief) O…kay….

Random Guy: Great! Oh by the way…. Uh, you suck. You're a villain because you tried to hook up with my cousin and, uh…. I totally hate you. (pushes Romeo off and starts acting all gangster) What do you say to _that_?

Romeo: Hey, I'm no villain! You don't even know me! So… I'll see you later, okay?

Random Guy: (throws sword in front of Romeo) Ha! You think you're getting away that easily? (laughing incoherently) Fight me.

Mercutio: (really angry and annoyed) O calm dishonourable, vile submission! Tybalt, you ratcatcher, will you walk?

Random Guy: What do you want from me?

Mercutio: Good King of Cats, nothing… (pulls out his sword) but one of your nine lives!

Random Guy: Bring it on!

Romeo: (trying to make Mercutio understand) Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up!

Mercutio: Come, sir, your _passado_!

(Suddenly, _Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting_ plays in the background and the two fight. Random Guy dodges using multiple karate moves, clearly ripped off from Jackie Chan-)

Random Guy: (stopping mid-fight) HEY!

(Anyway, soon Romeo steps in and tries to break up the fight.)

Random Guy: Wait! (they stop again, along with the music. To Author) Do I stab him now?

Author: Yes now!

Random Guy: Oh. Okay! (thrusts towards Mercutio) Hiya! (Romeo jumps too late as "Tybalt" runs Mercutio through. He starts laughing nervously.) Oops.

Gregory: (grabbing Random Guy's arm) Time to get outta here!

Random Guy: (stopping in his tracks) Whoa, whoa, hey! Shouldn't I at least apologize?

Sampson: (annoyed) _Get!_ (Random Guy is shoved offstage as the Capulet men follow)

Romeo: Well, uh…. That didn't go well.

Mercutio: (dropping to the ground, groaning in pain) I am hurt. A plague o' both your houses! I am sped. (grabbing Romeo by the shirt) Why the devil came you between us? I was hurt under _your_ arm!

Romeo: I thought it was the right thing to do….

Mercutio: Well, you thought wrong!

Random Guy: (offstage) He did it again! (Author smacks him on the head) Ow!

Mercutio: (to Benvolio) Help me into some house, Benvolio, or I shall faint. (as Benvolio is lifting up Mercutio and escorting him offstage) A plague o' both your houses! They have made worms' meat of me. I have it, and soundly too. YOUR HOUSES!

(Romeo is left alone onstage.)

Romeo: (almost in complete disbelief) Oh my God…. What have I done? What have I done?

(Meanwhile offstage, Benvolio has a difficult time calming Mercutio down.)

Mercutio: YOUR HOUSES! CAPULET AND MONTAGUE!

Benvolio: Dude, shut up!

Tech Guy: (watching from a safe distance, holding a broom) Oh no...

Mercutio: (now shaking Benvolio very aggressively) A PLAGUE O' BOTH YOUR HOUSES!

Benvolio: Mercutio, stop! I can't breathe!

Mercutio: YOUR HOUSES-! (A thump is heard as Mercutio falls to the ground)

Benvolio: (falls onto the floor regaining breath, looks up to see Tech Guy) Thanks.

Tech Guy: (helping Benvolio up) No problem.

Benvolio: (running onstage) ROMEO! (starts choking up) …He's dead.

Romeo: (darkly) The future will be affected by today's terrible events. Today is the start of a terror that will end in the days ahead.

Random Guy: (whispering backstage) Do you realize how Mary Sue-ish this is sounding right now?

Author: (offended) Shut up.

Benvolio: Oh boy… here comes Tybalt.

Romeo: He's alive, and Mercutio's dead? (as Random Guy comes onstage) Now, Tybalt, call me "villain" again. (draws his own sword) Mercutio's soul is floating right above our heads. Either you, or I, or both must go with him!

Random Guy: Look, dude, I'm sorry about your friend, but…I-I-I don't know what to do. But if you wanna fight again… (happily redrawing his sword) I am for you!

Romeo: This shall determine that!

(The two fight blade-to-blade. Fear explodes on Random Guy's face as Romeo becomes more aggressive. Romeo "stabs" Random Guy, who screams and falls to the floor, bumping his head. Romeo drops his sword in shock.)

Benvolio: (staring at Romeo) What are you waiting for? Get outta here before the Prince kicks your-!

Romeo: I know! I'm going! (as he zips offstage) Oh, I am fortune's fool! (Exits)

Montague, Lady Montague and Capulet: (entering onstage, seeing Tybalt and Mercutio) OMIGOD.

Lady Capulet: (walking onstage, oblivious) What's going on here? This better be good because I've been trying to do my hair for the past three-! (sees Tybalt) My cousin! NOOOOO! (starts bawling over his body)

Prince: (entering onstage with the guard) What happened?

Benvolio: Long story short: (pointing to Tybalt than Mercutio, offstage) He killed him- (pointing to Tybalt) Romeo killed him- (putting his hands up) And I had _nothing_ to do with it!

Lady Capulet: (to the Prince) Are you actually going to _believe_ him? He's a _Montague_!

Montague: (to the Prince) Romeo and Mercutio were friends! I can't believe-!

Capulet: (to Lord Montague) My nephew is dead and you're actually defending what your son did-!

Lady Capulet: (still bawling) My poor nephew!

Author: (to the Director) Did we ask them to be this crazy-?

Director: Hey! You're the one writing this dumb script!

Author: (offended) _Excuse me_? Oh, you're gonna get it, Mr. Bossman-!

Prince: (annoyed by the growing volume of sound that is the people) EVERYBODY SHUT UP! (the room falls silent) That's it! I can't take it from you anymore! I won't take excuses. Since the murderer of Mercutio is now dead, this situation brings me to a terrible decision...Romeo is banished!

Lady Montague: (now in the same amount of distress as Lady Capulet) NOOOO!

Prince: (looking to the guards) Let's get out of here before more stuff happens. (they exit, leaving the families to sink into their depair)

Director: And cut! (the actors stop) Great job guys! (hops onstage, seeing Mercutio on the floor offstage) Hey, Techies! (Tech Guy pops up from backstage) Take care of our resident psycho, will ya? (points to Mercutio, who is still unconscious) See that he gets to the hospital? (Tech Guy then drags Mercutio away, never to be seen for the rest of the story. Director walks over to Random Guy, who is still laid out on the floor) Hey, kid, great job! I didn't know you were such a good actor! (pats Random Guy on the back, who is STILL on the floor.) Kid? (Random Guy doesn't move)

Author: (coming over to the Director) What's wrong?

Director: The Kid…. He's not moving….

Author: Probably passed out on the job. (shaking Random Guy) Wake up, dude! Hello? (She tilts him over… and sees a red mark on the costume) Oh my God.

Director: (calling offstage) We need a medic down here stat!

Author: (pressing two fingers at his neck) … I don't know if I can feel a pulse.

Benvolio: (coming from backstage) What?

Director: (calling offstage) Someone call an ambulance!

Author: (freaking out) I told him not to say "consort"!

Director: (comforting the Author) It's gonna be okay, alright? He hasn't lost too much-.

Author: (starting to cry) _Don't_ say it!

(Suddenly, the doors burst open and a medical team floods into the theatre. Random Guy is surrounded by medics, testing to see… well, you know)

Medic Dude: (to Author) Miss, we… we really don't know how to tell you this but-.

Author: Oh no…. (starts crying)

Medic Dude: He's not dead. But he is unconscious. We think he might be in a coma.

Director: A coma? Great! Here come the lawsuits!

Author: (elbowing the Director in the gut) But he _is_ gonna be okay right?

Medic Dude: …Well… we don't know.

Author: (grabbing the Medic Guy by the shirt) Whadaya mean you don't know?

Director: (to the panicking Author) Calm down, missy!

Author: DON'T CALL ME MISSY!

(The yelling and screaming continues until a curtain falls down on the creative team of _Fortune's Fool_)

* * *

><p><strong>Alright, alright... I've calmed down. I told you this was a hard chapter for me to write. Hope you don't hate me for... well, you know. But I will leave you with this: Not everything is how it appears ;)<strong>


	15. Act Three Scene Two

**Well a new chapter… I just hope Random Guy will be alright.**

**Director: Not like we needed him for the rest of the show anyway. (smack) Ow!**

**All you care about is your stupid show, and my main source of comedy is in a coma! How heartless can you get?**

**Director: You wrote me! You tell me!**

…**I don't know, okay! Let's just get this over with!**

* * *

><p>Juliet: (pacing about her room, impatiently) I wish the sun would hurry up and set. When the night comes and everyone goes to sleep, Romeo will leap into my arms! (seductively) Beauty makes it possible for lovers to see how to make love in the dark. Or else love is blind, and best befits the night. In the darkness, let me, a shy virgin, learn the strange act of sex so that it seems innocent… modest… and true.<p>

Director: (surprised) Easy, Jules! Remember you're only thirteen.

Author: Actually she's twelve.

Director: Whatever.

Juliet: Come, gentle night. Come, loving, dark night! Give me my Romeo! And when I die, take him and cut him out in little stars. His face will make the heavens so fine that all the world will fall in love with the night and pay no worship to the garish sun.

Nurse: (enters in a state of panic) He's dead! He's dead!

Juliet: My Romeo? Oh no! (begins to cry)

Nurse: No, you dumb blonde! Your husband is very much alive, but it is his hand that slew your cousin, Tybalt.

Juliet: Tybalt's dead? (the Nurse nods)

Nurse: The Prince has banished Romeo from Verona.

Juliet: NO! (starts crying again)

Nurse: There's no trust, no faith, no honesty in men. Shame come to Romeo!

Juliet: (stands and slaps the Nurse) Blistered be thy tongue for such a wish!

Director: (to the Author) Is that in the script?

Author: (immediately) Nope.

Director: (staring at the stage) Oh God.

Nurse: (only partially offended) Will you speak well of him that killed your cousin?

Juliet: (kinda mocking the Nurse) Shall I speak ill of him that is my husband? (starts pacing with anxiety)

Nurse: (calmly) Okay…. Clearly, I've upset you.

Juliet: Ya think?

Nurse: But don't worry, I'll get Romeo to come and comfort you. (comforting) Don't worry this will all blow over before you know it.

Juliet: You really think so?

Nurse: I know so. (they hug and the Nurse leaves the stage)

Director: Alright, let's set up the cell! (there's a knocking heard offstage) What? (walks over to the door as the rest of the cast watches. A flash of cop car lights shine into the theatre.) May I help you?

Cop: I'm looking for one of your actors. The one who plays Romeo?

Director: Romeo! (Romeo emerges from the dressing room) This man would like to talk to you.

Romeo: Something wrong, sir?

Cop: (pulling out handcuffs) Put your hands behind your back. (Romeo does so) Sir, your under arrest for second degree murder. (He puts the cuffs on)

Director: What?

Author: (to the Cop) He's not even dead. He's in a freakin' coma!

Cop: Ma'am, I'm just following orders. (starts walking out with Romeo)

Director: Wait! We need him for the show! Maybe we could figure something out! (follows him out, leaving the author alone with the cast)

Author: Okay…. So what I think we should do is-.

Some Capulet Guy: PARTAY! (blacklights come on and music starts blasting)

Author: Guys! Oomf! (finds herself being lifted up and carried to the dressing room) Hey, what are you-! (door slams shut)


	16. Act Three Scene Three

**Woohoo! I am back, baby! No, I am not abandoning this story. I will make sure you guys get to see the end of this (although, as many of us know, the ending is not that pleasant). Enough of my jibber-jabber. (in a Mario-accent) Let'sa GO!**

* * *

><p>Director: (entering from outside) Okay, everyone, let's-. (The inside of the building has now become a mess of cups, streamers and party hats) What the…. What happened? (Hears thumping and muffling from the girl's dressing room and opens to see our Author tied to a chair, with duct tape over her mouth) The cast had a party?<p>

Author: (stoically, through the duct tape) Mmhmp.

Director: And so they-.

Author: Mmhmp.

Director: (looking at the layers of rope on the chair and notices paint stains on her face) Hehe, what happened to you?

Author: (as the Director rips off the duct tape) Don't ask, please.

Director: (shrugs) Okay. (going out the door) Let's get the show going people! Party's over!

Author: (noticing his exit) Wait! What about-! (sighs) Nevermind.

Director: Romeo! Let's go!

(Romeo emerges, still in handcuffs)

Friar Lawrence: You can come out now, Romeo.

Romeo: (entering the stage, approaching Friar Lawrence) I've really screwed up this time, haven't I?

Friar Lawrence: (tongue-tied) Well…. Uh…. That is-…. Well…. Yeah.

Romeo: Well, what does the Prince say?

Friar Lawrence: Do you want the bad news, or the good news?

Romeo: Whatever works, I guess.

Friar Lawrence: Alright…. The Prince has banished you from Verona. Now-.

Romeo: (realizing the words the Friar just uttered) BANISHMENT? Be merciful, say death!

Friar Lawrence: The Prince himself has been merciful by giving you life. Be thankful for that!

Romeo: It's torture, not mercy. Heaven is here, where Juliet lives. Every cat and dog and little mouse, every unworthy animal that lives here can see her, but Romeo can't. They can take hold of Juliet's wonderful white hand and they can kiss her sweet lips. But Romeo can't kiss her or hold her hand because he's been banished!

Friar Lawrence: Listen to me, Romeo. Please stop acting like a madman-.

Director: Yeah, the last thing we need is _another_ Mercutio.

Friar Lawrence: (gives the Director a scowl, then softens towards Romeo) Philosophy will comfort you even though you've been banished.

Romeo: (loudly) And yet you still speak of banishment!

Friar Lawrence: Oh, so madmen like you are also deaf.

Romeo: (taunting back) How should madmen hear, if wise men can't even see?

Friar Lawrence: Please, Romeo, let me talk to you about your situation-.

Romeo: THOU CANST NOT SPEAK OF THAT THOU DOST NOT FEEL!

(The room goes silent. Everyone watches in complete shock of what is unfolding.)

Author: (watching from offstage, still tied to the chair) Aw shiz….

(A knock on a door offstage)

Friar Lawrence: Quick, Romeo! Hide yourself! (Romeo doesn't move) C'mon! Go! (Romeo remains still) Fine! Get arrested! I'm sure your lovely Juliet will love _that_! (Approaches the door, speaking kindly) Who is it?

Nurse: (from offstage) Let me come in, and you shall know my errand! I come from Lady Juliet!

(Friar Lawrence looks wide-eyed to Romeo. Romeo, out of character, shakes his head as if to say, "Don't do it." The Friar merely shrugs as if to say "What can ya do?" and lets her in.)

Nurse: (worried) Where's Romeo?

Friar Lawrence: (pointing at Romeo) Over there, crying like a baby.

Romeo: (glaring at the Friar) Hey!

Friar Lawrence: Just calling it like I see it!

(Romeo begins crying)

Nurse: Oh, he is even in my mistress' case, just in her case….(starts kicking him) Stand up, stand up! Stand, an you be a man! For Juliet's sake, for her sake, rise and stand! (stops kicking) Why should you fall into so deep an O?

Romeo: (to the Nurse, moaning in pain) How is Juliet?

Nurse: She hasn't stopped crying since I told her the news. She cries for you and Tybalt. I have never seen her shed so many tears since she was a baby!

Romeo: As if that name, shot from the deadly level of a gun, did murder her…. As that name's cursed hand murdered her kinsman! (turning to the Friar) Tell me, Friar, in what part of my body is my name embedded? (takes out a dagger) Tell me, that I may sack the hateful mansion!

Friar Lawrence: (shocked and angry) HOLD THY DESPERATE HAND! (He takes the blade and tosses it offstage)

Author: Ow! … Hey, I'm free! Woohoo! (A loud crash is heard) I'm alright!

Friar Lawrence: Thy form cries out thou art! Thy tears are womanish!

Romeo: (out of character) Hey now!

Friar Lawrence: (rolling his eyes, but continues) Get up, man! Your Juliet is alive. It was for her that you were almost killed earlier. Be happy that she's alive. Tybalt wanted to kill you, but you killed Tybalt. Be happy that you're alive. The law that threatened your life was softened into exile. Be happy about that. Your life is full of blessings. You have the best sorts of happiness to enjoy.

Romeo: But-.

Friar Lawrence: No buts. Go be with your love. Climb up to her bedroom and comfort her. But get out of there before the night watchmen take their positions. Then you will escape to the city of Mantua, where you'll live until we can make your marriage public and make peace between your families. We'll ask the Prince to pardon you. Then we'll welcome you back with twenty thousand times more joy than you'll have when you leave this town crying. (to the Nurse) Go and give my regards to your lady. Romeo is coming.

Nurse: (to Romeo) Here, sir, this is a ring she asked me to give you. (drops the ring into his hand) Now hurry up. (exits)

Friar Lawrence: (helping Romeo stand up) Go hence. Good night. And here stands all your state: either be gone before the watch be set, or by the break of day disguised from hence. Sojourn in Mantua. I'll find out your man, and he shall signify from time to time, every good hap to you that chances here.

Romeo: (confused) Huh?

Friar Lawrence: (slowly for him to understand) Go to your girl, get your butt outta here before sunrise or else risk death. Give me thy hand. (they shake hands but their handshake turns into a hug. Awws can be heard from offstage) 'Tis late. Farewell, good night.

Romeo: But that a joy past joy calls out on me, it were a grief so brief to part with thee. Farewell. (He exits)

Director: (applauding) Great job, guys! Let's get the bed ready for the next scene!

Author: O.o….

Director: Not like that! Geez….

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, this one was probably more serious than others, but the next will be funnier, I promise!<strong>

**Director: You are so dirty-minded...**

**I am NOT!**

**Director: Uh... did you read the last three lines?**

**...So? You'd be thinking the same thing if I said that!**

**Director: I'd be more concerned if the Friar said that.**

**...Oh yeah, that is bad. ****Let's close the chapter before this takes an odd turn.**

**Director: Good idea...**

**Welp, another chapter's on the way! Can't wait to hear from ya! :)**


	17. Act Three Scene Four

**Another chapter! Huzzah! (clears throat) Sorry... got too excited. Let's get started!**

* * *

><p>(Capulet enters onstage, dancing. The servants stare at him awkwardly.)<p>

Capulet: (humming to himself) Partay, partay, par-tay! We gonna have a partay!

(Suddenly, one by one, the servants join him and the entire group onstage is dancing in a conga line. The Sound Guy, smiling, puts on some party music. Everyone is having fun, until….)

Director: (entering from the back of the theatre) Sorry about that guys, I was just checking on the swords for…. (He sees the group dancing) What the-?

(Capulet sees the Director and freezes. The Sound Guy then scratches the party music and stops.)

Director: Uh….

Author: (entering from the back of the theatre, oblivious to what's going on) Mr. Director, I wanted to talk about that idea for the final scene-. (looks up to see what has happened) Aw man! Did I miss out on another party? Wait- (to a Random Capulet Servant) you still have chips and guacamole, right?

Random Capulet Servant: Uh…yeah?

Author: (gets quiet until…) LET'S PARTY!

(Music comes back on and the group dances again, the Author joining them onstage)

Everyone: (except the Director, of course) PARTAY, PARTAY, PARTAY! PARTAY, PARTAY, PAR-TAY!

Director: (loudly) Alright enough! (the group and the music stops. He sighs.) Let's save the dancing for the after party, alright? (the group moans and some go back to their dressing rooms)

Author: (jumping off the stage to join him) Aw, c'mon Director! Where's your sense of fun?

Director: (stammering the word, confused) F…Fu….Fun?

Author: (insert epic facepalm) Wow…. I really _did_ make you a workaholic.

Director: (still testing the word) F…Fun….

Author: (giving the Director a weird look) Okay, stop that. You're scarier than the guy from Twilight! (feels readers glaring at her from screen) Of course I won't name which one, to avoid being flamed!

Director: Nice save, kid.

Author: (shrugs) I try. (runs to hide from anyone still willing to flame her)

Director: Alright then…. Capulet, start the scene!

Capulet: (pointing to a Capulet servant) Hey, you!

Capulet Servant: Me?

Capulet: Yes, you. Go hire these cooks for me, will ya?

Paris: (kinda confused) Um…. Mr. Director?

Capulet Servant: But sir, I can't read!

Capulet: (rolls his eyes in annoyance) Then I'll tell you. You see, they-.

Director: (realizing the problem) Capulet, you're doing the wrong scene! This is where you decide when your daughter's gonna get married!

Capulet: Shouldn't _she_ decide that?

Director: It's the 1600s!

Author: (popping up from backstage) I thought it was the 1500s?

Director: Whatever! (Author goes back to hide) Anyway, the point is that this is not modern society. Think of it as…. A financial agreement.

Capulet: (letting the idea process in his mind) So… (points to himself) I get wads of cash…(point to Paris) and he gets a hot wife?

Director: Pretty much.

Capulet: (thinks about it, then runs to shakes Paris' hand) Welcome to the family, son!

Paris: (beaming) Alright!

Capulet: Does Thursday work?

Paris: I will be there!

Capulet: Great! My wife! (Lady Capulet walks to him) Tell Juliet that on Thursday next she will be married to this noble earl!

Lady Capulet: But what about Tybalt-!

Capulet: She can't go on crying for his soul forever! Go and tell her the good news!

Lady Capulet: (sighing) Yes, my husband. (exits)

Capulet: (to Paris) Well, son… (puts his arm around him) How about we watch some football?

Author: (popping out from backstage again) Uh… this is the 1600s?

Capulet: (as if he didn't hear her) Jousting. How about some jousting?

Paris: Sweet! (they exit as the Author watches them leave the stage)

Director: (to Author) Did they even have jousting during that time?

Author: (shrugs)Who knows?

* * *

><p><strong>(arms herself for flames)<strong>

**Sorry, guys. When I write like this... really random stuff comes out. Please don't hate me!**

**Director: Fun...**

**Author: (pats him on the back) You, my friend, have alot to learn.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Feel free to review!**


	18. Act Three Scene Five

**Two chapters in a day? YES! Can we go for three? We shall see! Let's get moving before I rhyme again.**

* * *

><p>(The lights come on with Juliet and Romeo in bed together.)<p>

Actors Watching From Offstage: (loudly, wide-eyed) OH MY GOD!

Author: (rolling her eyes) Ugh… for the love of Pete! They're wearing clothes!

(The other actors sigh with relief and continue on doing whatever it is they do.)

Random Montague Lady: Who's Pete?

Author: (epic facepalms and walks away)

Random Montague Lady: What?

(Romeo sits up, shirtless)

Girls Watching Offstage: (insert loud, girly-squeals here)

Author: (plugging her ears) Wow.

Juliet: (sits up beside him) Must you leave?

Romeo: I have to. It's morning.

Juliet: (seductively) No it's not…. (kisses him, and they proceed to makeout)

Author: You have got to be kidding me! I didn't write this!

Lady Capulet: (who is waiting offstage) You _sure_?

Author: (annoyed) Ssh!

Romeo: (stopping Juliet) Night is over, and day is coming. If I want to live, I must go. If I stay, I'll die.

Juliet: (pleadingly) Stay for a while. You don't have to go yet.

Romeo: (smiling) Then let me be captured. Let me be put to death. I am content, if that's the way you want it. (loudly, but joyfully) Come, death, and welcome! Juliet wills it so! (Juliet quiets him, but giggles) Come then, let's talk. It is not day.

Juliet: (embracing him) Oh Romeo….

Romeo: Juliet….

Author: (kinda weirded out) Okay, let's get this over with before this just gets gross. (signals the Nurse)

Nurse: (from offstage) Juliet! Your mother is coming!

(Juliet and Romeo freeze. Next thing they know, they're scrambling out of the bed and tossing clothes to each other and trying to get Romeo out to the balcony.)

Juliet: (as Romeo begisn to exit) Then, window, let day in and let life out.

Romeo: One kiss, my love, and I'll descend.

(Juliet presses their lips together passionately.)

Girls Watching Offstage: (insert even louder, girly-squeals here) OMIGOD!

(Our Author is covering her ears, cringing at the sound she just heard)

Friar Lawrence: (who happened to walk by) Are you okay?

Author: Let's just say this is worse than the time I went to an awards ceremony where an army of middle school kids won _five_ awards.

Friar Lawrence: How is that bad?

Author: (points to the squealing girls) Let's say their volume level is sixty. The kid's volume level was at least a eighty.

Friar Lawrence: Oh…. My apologies.

Author: Don't worry about it. I can still hear. (another loud squeal is heard) Although after today, I don't know if I ever will again.

(Romeo exits, and Lady Capulet enters)

Lady Capulet: Oh good! You're awake!

Juliet: (acting… or maybe not acting depressed) Madam I am not well.

Lady Capulet: How long must you weep over your cousin's death? Tears cannot bring people back to life.

Juliet: Actually, have you seen Tangled?

Lady Capulet: That doesn't count. That was a movie.

Juliet: You never know!

Lady Capulet: Anyway, I bring you good tidings, girl! You are to be married to Count Paris on Thursday next. There he shall make thee a joyful bride!

Juliet: (looking to the Director) Now?

Director: (rolling his eyes) Yes, Juliet. Now.

Juliet: Now, by Saint Peter's Church and Peter too, he shall not make me there a joyful bride! I pray you, tell my lord and father, madam, I will not marry yet. And when I do, I swear it shall be Romeo, whom you know I hate, rather than Paris. These are news indeed!

Lady Capulet: (haughty) Here comes your father. Tell him so yourself, and see how he takes the news.

(Enter Capulet with the Nurse)

Capulet: When the sun sets, the air drizzles dew. But at the death of my brother's son, it rains a downpour. How now? A conduit, girl? Please stop crying, my child. (to Lady Capulet) So where do things stand, wife? Have you told her our decision?

Lady Capulet: She says, "no", my husband. (glaring at Juliet) I wish the fool were dead and married to her grave!

Capulet: (dazed) Wait! I don't understand. How can this be? She refuses? Isn't she grateful? Isn't she proud of such a match? Doesn't she realize what a blessing this is? Doesn't she realize how unworthy she is of the gentleman we have found to be her bridegroom?

Juliet: (looking angrily at Capulet, then to the Author) Excuse me?

Author: (holding up arms in defense) Shakespeare's words, not mine!

Juliet: (to the Author, grouchily) Fine. (to Capulet, softly as if terrified) Not proud you have, but thankful that you have. Proud can I never be of what I hate, but thankful even for hate that is meant love.

Capulet: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's this? What is this? "Proud," and "I thank you," and "I thank you not," and yet "not proud"? (bends down to see Juliet… and grabs her by her hair. Juliet screams and cries) Listen here, you worthless wretch! Be there at Saint Peter's Church on Thursday, or never look at me in the face again! (tosses her away)

Nurse: (to Capulet) How dare you treat her this way!

Capulet: (slaps the Nurse) You will be silent! (to Juliet) Hang thee, young baggage! Disobedient wretch! I tell thee what: get thee to church o' Thursday, or never after look me in the face! Speak not! Reply not! Do not answer me!

Lady Capulet: (seductively) You are too hot….

Director: Whoa! Lady Cap! That is _not_ how you say that line!

Author: (to some random actor) Now we know where Juliet gets it from.

Capulet: (still to Juliet) For, by my soul, I'll ne'er acknowledge thee, nor what is mine shall never do thee good. Trust to 't, bethink you. I'll not be forsworn! (he exits)

Juliet: Is there no pity sitting in the clouds that sees into the bottom of my grief? (to Lady Capulet)O sweet my mother, cast me not away! Delay this marriage for a month, a week. Or, if you do not, make the bridal bed in that dim monument where Tybalt lies!

Lady Capulet: Do as thou wilt, for I have done with thee. (She exits)

(Juliet begins to cry again)

Nurse: (kindly) C'mere sweetie. (They embrace)

Juliet: They're so-.

Nurse: I know. They are.

Juliet: What should I do?

Nurse: As much as I hate to say this…. I think it best that you marry the Count. (Juliet looks to her in shock) Romeo's a dishcloth to him! Curse my very heart, but I think you should be happy in this second marriage, for it excels your first.

Juliet: Do you speak from your heart?

Nurse: And from my soul too, else beshrew them both.

Juliet: (stands carefully) Amen.

Nurse: Huh?

Juliet: Go inside and tell my mother that I'm gone. I made my father angry, so I went to Friar Lawrence's cell to confess and be forgiven.

Nurse: Marry, I will. (She begins to exit, but turns to Juliet with a smile) And this is wisely done. (She exits the stage.)

Juliet: (hurt) Go, counselor. Thou and my bosom henceforth shall be twain. I'll to the friar to know his remedy. If all else fail, myself have power to die. (After standing for a moment, she exits the stage.)

Director: Great job, guys! Next scene! (goes to Author) Do you seriously mean for some of these characters to be complete flirts?

Author: One thing you should know about writing, Jim. Sometimes characters take on lives of their own. (pats him on the cheek and walks away)

Director: Wait a minute! My name isn't Jim! ….Right?

* * *

><p><strong>Another chapter down. (starts counting) Who knows how many more to go!<strong>

**Director: Maybe it's Tony. No...Barney?**

**Like the purple dinosaur that tells everyone how much he loves them? Heck no.**

**Director: Then what's my name?**

**You don't have one!**

**Director: Can we fix that?**

**...Oy... The joys of being a writer.**


	19. Act Four Scene One

**Ah...another chapter. Feels good to be on top of things for a change :)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Director: So my name is-?<p>

Author: (shushing him) Yes. Just don't let the others know. They'll just be annoyed.

Director: Ah, I see.

Paris: (approaching Director) Uh, sir, can we start the scene?

Director: (oblivious) Uh, yeah, sure. (to Author) So how do you find these-?

Friar Lawrence: (loudly) THURSDAY? (The Director and Author jump at the sound of the Friar's voice, having not realized the show had begun again. The Friar clears his throat, and speaks more quietly) That's a bit soon ain't it?

Paris: My father Capulet will have it so, and I am nothing slow to slack his haste.

Friar Lawrence: Still… you barely know the girl. If you don't mind me saying so, I don't feel this is a wise choice.

Paris: She's grieving too much over the death of Tybalt. So I haven't had the chance to talk to her about love. Sir, her father thinks it's dangerous that she allows herself to become so sad. He's being smart by rushing our marriage to stop her from crying.

Friar Lawrence: But how do you know that she'll be happy?

Paris: …I don't. Let's just hope this marriage will bring her out of this depression.

Friar Lawrence: (only for the audience to hear) I wouldn't be so sure about that. (normally) Oh, look, there's your fiancé now.

(Juliet rushes onstage, dressed in a dark cloak. She freezes at the sight of Paris.)

Paris: (approaching Juliet) It's nice to see you again, my wife.

Juliet: That may be, sir, when I may be a wife.

Paris: (trying to hold her) That "may be" must be, love, on Thursday next.

Juliet: (fearfully) What must be, shall be.

Friar Lawrence: (mumbling to himself) Ain't that the truth.

Paris: Have you come for confession?

Juliet: (backing away slowly) If I answered that question, I'd be making confession to you.

Paris: (walking closer) Don't deny to him that you love me.

Juliet: I'll confess to you that I love him.

Paris: You will also confess, I'm sure, that you love me.

Juliet: (clearly out of character) Since when did this become an episode of _To Catch a Predator_?

Author: You want the honest answer or the sarcastic answer?

Juliet: Either.

Author: About twenty seconds ago when he tried hitting on you. Or, if want to be even more specific, about thirteen chapters ago when he was dancing with you.

Juliet: Can't you rewrite this?

Author: (deviously) Hmm…. I don't know. I'm quite enjoying this.

Juliet: Please!

Author: (sighs) Fine. But I'm only doing this for you once. (to Paris) Get your butt outta here, Francie-Pants.

Paris: (defensive) Maybe I don't wanna!

Author: (annoyed) Go, or I'm gonna give you an even more embarrassing name than Paris.

Paris: What are ya gonna call me? (Author whispers into his ears and his eyes go wide) Juliet, I will wake you early on Thursday. Until then, good-bye, and keep this holy kiss. (kisses her on the lips, walks offstage giving her the "Call me" hand motion)

Juliet: (breaking down) This mess is beyond hope, beyond cure, beyond help!

Friar Lawrence: Not exactly.

Juliet: (to the Friar, pulling out a knife from her cloak) I swear that I will kill myself if you say that I must marry that… (points where Paris exited) that jerk!

Friar Lawrence: Hold on, daughter, I see some hope. But we must act boldly because the situation is so desperate. If you've made up your mind to kill yourself instead of marrying Count Paris, then you'll probably be willing to try something like death to solve this shameful problem. (Juliet stares at him in shock) And if you dare to do it, I'll give you the solution.

Juliet: I'd do anything to get out of this.

Friar Lawrence: Go home, be cheerful, and tell them you agree to marry Paris. Tomorrow night make sure that you are alone. Don't let the Nurse stay with you. (he pulls out a vial filled with dark liquid) When you're in bed, drink this. Then a cold, sleep-inducing drug will run through your veins, and your pulse will stop. You'll remain in this deathlike state for forty-two hours, and then you'll wake up as if from a pleasant sleep. As tradition demands, you'll be dressed up in your best clothes, put in an open coffin, and carried to the Capulet family tomb. Meanwhile, I'll send Romeo word of our plan. That night, Romeo will come and take you away to Mantua.

Juliet: (as he gives her the vial) Thank you, Friar.

Friar Lawrence: Get you gone. Be strong and prosperous in this resolve. I'll send a friar with speed to Mantua with my letters to thy lord.

Juliet: (happily) Love give me strength, and strength, help me accomplish this plan. Farewell, dear Father. (she skips away)

Friar Lawrence: (sighs) I wonder if I did the right thing….

Mysterious Voice: (loudly) Sorry, no.

Friar Lawrence: (frozen in place) Ms. Author? Was that you?

Author: (looking up from her notebook) Huh? No.

(Mysterious, haunting laughter echoes through the building. The other actors begin freaking out, some running like mad)

Assorted Actors: THE THEATRE'S HAUNTED! WE'RE DOOMED! Who said the name of the Scottish play? WE'RE GONNA DIE!

Director: That doesn't make any sense! Who could be haunting this place?

(A medic rushes in, approaches the Director.)

Medic Person: I'm sorry, sir. But…the boy…..

(Both the eyes of the Director and Author go wide)

Author: (almost speechless) No way….

* * *

><p><strong>Well... this just got really interesting.<strong>

**Director: Excuse me, while I try to convince the cops to let us keep our Romeo until the end of our rehearsal.**

**How can he be dead? And why would haunt us?**

**Director: Uh... who was he hanging around with the most before he died?**

**Oh yeah...**

**Director: Let's just get everyone before they take off in a panic.**

**Right. Don't forget to review people!**


	20. Act Four Scene Two

**WARNING: The following chapter contains a reference to a classic Abbott and Costello joke. If you are not familiar with their comedy, I suggest watching the skit "Who's on First" on YouTube or something before reading this chapter.**

**And on a less firm note... Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

><p>Director: Alright everyone. Now that we have your attention, we'd like to make an announcement. In case you haven't already heard, our friend Random Guy… well, he's no longer with us.<p>

Random Capulet Guard: Well, duh, he's with the medics, right?

Author: Not exactly…. But we'd just like to say that these coincidences are probably just silly pranks.

Montague: Pft! Yeah, right!

Director: So we are going to continue the show. (claps his hands together) Let's move it people!

(The crowd parts their ways and the actors set themselves onstage. The Director and Author sit in the audience)

Director: Let's just hope this goes well.

Author: (distant) Yeah….

Director: For the record…. I miss the kid, too.

Author: Yeah. (snapping out of it) Let's just get the show going.

Director: Okay. (loudly) Action people!

Capulet: (pointing to a Capulet servant) Hey, you!

Capulet Servant: Me?

Capulet: Yes, you. Go hire some cooks for me, will ya?

Capulet Servant: Certainly, in fact I already know where the best ones live! (pulls out a sheet of paper)

Capulet: Excellent! Do you know their names?

Capulet Servant: You see they all live on these streets. Who's on first, What's on second and I Don't Know is on third.

Capulet: That's what I want to know.

Capulet Servant: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third!

Capulet: Don't you know their names?

Capulet Servant: Well I should.

Capulet: Well then who's on first?

Capulet Servant: Yes.

Capulet: I mean the fellow's name.

Capulet Servant: Who.

Capulet: The guy on first.

Capulet Servant: Who.

Capulet: The guy living...

Capulet Servant: Who is on first!

Capulet: I'm asking YOU who's on first.

Capulet Servant: That's the man's name.

Capulet: That's who's name?

Capulet Servant: Yes.

Capulet: Well go ahead and tell me.

Capulet Servant: That's it.

Capulet: That's who?

Capulet Servant: Yes.

(A pause as people, onstage and off, laugh at what is going on.)

Author: (to the Director) Should I stop them?

Director: (laughing really hard) No! Let 'em keep going! This is hilarious!

Capulet: Who's on first?

Capulet Servant: That's right.

Capulet: When we pay him for his work, who gets the money?

Capulet Servant: Every dollar of it!

Capulet: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

Capulet Servant: Who.

Capulet: The guy that gets...

Capulet Servant: That's it.

Capulet: Who gets the money...

Capulet Servant: He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Capulet: Who's wife?

Capulet Servant: Yes.

(A pause of loud laughter)

Capulet: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first!

Capulet Servant: No. What is on second.

Capulet: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Capulet Servant: Who's on first.

Capulet: One street at a time!

Capulet Servant: Take it easy, buddy.

Capulet: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first?

Capulet Servant: That's right.

Capulet: Ok.

Capulet Servant: All right.

(Another pause of laugher)

Capulet: What's the guy's name on first?

Capulet Servant: No. What is on second.

Capulet: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Capulet Servant: Who's on first.

Capulet: I don't know.

Capulet Servant: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

Capulet: Now how did I get on third?

Capulet Servant: Why you mentioned his name.

Capulet: If I mentioned the third cook's name, who did I say is on third?

Capulet Servant: No. Who's on first.

Capulet: What's on first?

Capulet Servant: What's on second.

Capulet: I don't know.

Capulet Servant: He's on third.

Capulet: There I go, back on third again!

(Yet another pause of laughter)

Capulet: Would you just stay on third and don't go off it.

Capulet Servant: (trying to prevent himself from laughing) All right, what do you want to know?

Capulet: Now who's on third?

Capulet Servant: What makes you think Who's on third?

Capulet: So what must be on third?

Capulet Servant: No. What is on second.

Capulet: You don't know if who is on second?

Capulet Servant: Who is on first.

Capulet: I don't know.

Both: Third base!

(The crowd is now dying of laughter.)

Director: (breathless and still laughing) Alright! Alright! Enough! If it keeps up like this, we're all not gonna get through the show!

Author: (laughing just as hard) Yeah, let's just keep going please!

Capulet: But I don't understand why I don't get it. (Capulet Servant shows him the paper) …Oh…. (his face turns red) Uh, carry on, kid.

Capulet Servant: Yes, sir.

Capulet: (turning to the Nurse) So she's gone to Friar Lawrence, eh? That may do her some good. (mumbling to herself) The little brat….

(Enter Juliet)

Capulet: How now, my headstrong? Where have you been gadding?

Juliet: Where I have learned me to repent the sin of disobedient opposition. Father Lawrence instructed me to fall on my knees and beg your forgiveness. (Does so) Pardon, I beseech you! Henceforward I am ever ruled by you.

Capulet: (happily) Send for the Count. Go tell him about this. I'll make this wedding happen tomorrow morning!

Juliet: (still not looking at Capulet) I met him at Lawrence's cell. I treated him with the proper love, as well as I could, while still being modest.

Capulet: Stand up. (Juliet stands) This is the way it should be.

Juliet: Nurse, will you go with me into my closet to help me sort such needful ornaments as you think fit to furnish me tomorrow?

Nurse: (grabbing her arm) I thought you'd never ask! (takes off offstage)

Juliet: (following behind) WHOA!

(They exit)

Lady Capulet: But-.

Capulet: No worries, my wife. The wedding will be tomorrow!

Lady Capulet: But we don't have enough supplies for the party.

Capulet: Let me take care of it. You go and get Juliet ready for tomorrow. (grabs an apron and puts it on) I'll play the housewife tonight!

Lady Capulet: (mumbling to herself) Like you weren't before…. (exits, unbeknownst to Capulet)

Capulet: There's a lot to do though. We have to get the florist, clean the place for the reception, get the bridegroom ready…. (Looks around) Hey…. Where did everybody go? (sounding more panicked) Hello…?

(Suddenly, a giant sandbag drops from the top of the stage…right next to Capulet.)

Capulet: (scared to death, running offstage) Peter…!

Director: (almost angry) Techies, get up there and find out what happened!

Tech Guy: (after a moment) Sir… there's nobody up here.

Director: Bull! Check the cameras!

Author: We have cameras?

Director: (groans as if to say yes)

Tech Guy: (reemerging from the tech booth) There's nothing on camera.

Director: Are you serious? Lemme see.

(Both the Director and Author run up to the tech booth to see the footage. Sure enough, nothing but the snapping of the sandbag rope is seen onscreen.)

Director: Wow….

Author: That doesn't mean that it was a ghost. Random Guy could've cut it before he was…. Yeah.

Tech Guy: (shrugs) It's possible. The rope did look like it was cut with some sort of knife.

Author: (after an awkward silence) So… what else did you have on camera in here?

Director: Just the stage, why?

Author: (with a smirk on her face) Wanna watch Juliet slap the Nurse again?

Tech Guy: (excitedly) I'm in! (runs to rewind the tape while Author goes to get some popcorn)

* * *

><p><strong>Next chapter coming soon. In the meantime, Techie and I will be enjoying some good memories.<strong>

**Tech Guy: Did you bring the popcorn?**

**AND the kettlecorn and the drinks!**

**Tech Guy: Yippee!**

**Please review! :)**


	21. Act Four Scene Three

Juliet: (after who-knows-how-long of trying on dresses) Those will work. (turns to her Nurse) Do you mind leaving me alone tonight?

Nurse: Not at all, dear. (mumbling to herself) With the husband she's getting, she might as well get used to it.

(Enter an excited Lady Capulet)

Lady Capulet: Need any help?

Juliet: No, madam, we've figured out the best things for me to wear tomorrow at the ceremony. So if it's okay with you, I'd like to be left alone now. Let the Nurse sit up with you tonight.

Lady Capulet: Alright, then…. (goes to Juliet)

Juliet: Mom… are you crying?

Lady Capulet: No mother ever wants to see their child grow up so quickly. After tonight, you'll be swept away to the palace! (hugs her tightly) I'll miss you my dear!

Juliet: (groaning) Uh, Mother? Can't… breathe!

Lady Capulet: (releases Juliet as she gasps for air) Oh! Sorry, dear. (stands and begins to walk offstage) Good night, my child. (Both she and the Nurse exit)

Juliet: Farewell. Good knows when we shall meet again. (pulls out the vial, shaking) I don't know if I can do this…. Nurse! (covers her mouth) What good can she do here? (looking at the vial) What if this doesn't work? I'll have to marry the Count in the morning? (groans) Why must I marry him? He's so….

Author: Conceited? Rude? Arrogant?

Juliet: Old!

Author: That was gonna be my next guess.

Juliet: The vial could be anything! Poison, wine-!

Author: Or a huge bottle of Nyquil!

Juliet: (glaring at Author) Are you quite finished?

Author: (giggling under her breathe) Yeah, go ahead.

Juliet: What if, when I am put in the tomb, I wake up before Romeo comes to save me? Won't I suffocate? Will I die of suffocation before Romeo comes? Or if I live, I'll be surrounded by death and darkness. There will be bones hundreds of years old in that tomb, my ancestors' bones. Tybalt's body will be in there, freshly entombed, and his corpse will be rotting. Will I hear shrieks like mandrakes torn out of the earth, that living mortals, hearing them, run mad—? If I wake up too early, won't I go insane with all these horrible, frightening things around me, start playing with my ancestors' bones, and pull Tybalt's corpse out of his death shroud? Will I grab one of my dead ancestor's bones and bash in my own skull? Oh, look! Methinks I see my cousin's ghost seeking out Romeo, that did spit his body upon a rapier's point. Stay, Tybalt, stay! Romeo! (holding up vial as if to toast someone) Here's drink. I drink to thee. (She downs the concoction, and with a quick gasp, she drops)

(Applause is heard in the audience)

Director: Great job! I think that's the best I've seen you do, Jules! (no response) Jules? (still no response) Oh my God.

(He, along with the Author and Tech Guy run to Juliet)

Tech Guy: (checks for a pulse) Well… she's still alive.

Director: (breathing a loud sigh of relief) Thank God!

Tech Guy: It looks like she's only asleep. But what could make her knock out?

Author: (takes the vial and sniffs, groaning in disgust)

Director: What is it?

Author: (looking at Juliet) When I said Nyquil, I was only joking.

Director: Well, how long will she be out?

Author: With the amount she just took, probably a couple of hours.

Director: Meaning…?

Author: Around the time she's scheduled to wake up in the show.

Director: (nodding his head) Okay. That should work then. I thought she was dead.

Author: Well, I'm not entirely sure if my calculations are entirely accurate….

Director: (epicfacepalm)

* * *

><p><strong>Welp, this turned out to be an interesting chapter.<strong>

**Tech Guy: How the heck did you know it was Nyquil?**

**Meh, I've had some cases of the cold and flu in the past. Who wouldn't recognize the smell?**

**Tech Guy: Non-sick people.**

**Exactly.**


	22. Act Four Scene Four

**Yeah, I know. Short chapter. The next one (*cough*DeadJuliet*cough*) will be much better. Please enjoy the nonsensicalness between the Capulets and the Creative Team :P**

* * *

><p>(Enter Capulet, with Lady Capulet and the Nurse following behind)<p>

Capulet: Everybody up! We have a lot to do still before the wedding! (turns to a Capulet servant girl) Angelica, go get the baked meats! Don't worry about the cost!

Nurse: Hey, housewife, maybe you should get to bed. Wouldn't wanna sleep through your daughter's big day.

Capulet: Don't need to. I feel as fresh and as energized as-. (Suddenly, he drops to the floor)

Director: (to the Author) Please tell me that was part of the act.

Author: (getting up) Gimme a second. (runs to the backstage area. Runs onstage with a bucket of cold water) Wake up, Chuck! (shes dumps the bucket onto Capulet, who bolts up in shock. Author lets the bucket drop to the floor)

Capulet: (angrily) I wasn't unconscious! That's what acting is for!

Author: Oh…. (kicks the bucket, audiably)

Tybalt: (offstage) OW! My head!

Author: (acting oblivious) Okay-moving-on-next! (runs away as Capulet follows)

Capulet: GET BACK HERE!

(Screaming continues with random crashing from backstage)

Lady Capulet: (turning to the Nurse) Maybe you should wake up our daughter-.

Nurse: Good idea. (runs offstage, leaving Lady Capulet alone)

(Author runs back onstage, with Capulet following behind. Author jumps off the stage and runs up the walkway, darting pass the Director)

Director: (yelling towards the Author) Why didn't you take the stairs?

Author: (yelling back as she runs) I have slight bathmophobia!

Lady Capulet: Fear of bathrooms?

Director: (to Lady Capulet) Fear of stairs.

Capulet: (stops running to catch his breath) I think I've developed a fear.

Director: What's that?

Capulet: (breathlessly) Nonoxyphobia.

Author: (who has now stop running) Never heard of it. Is it a new one?

Capulet: Fear of loss of oxygen. (starts panting)

Author: (going to Capulet) Whoa, dude, you okay?

Capulet: (pulls out an alka-seltzer hidden in his coat and sprays her until she's soaking wet) Gotcha! (runs off)

(Author gets angry and chases after him)

Author: Get back here, Capulet! You'll regret the day I ever wrote you into this story! (They vanish from behind the curtains.

Director: (to no one in particular, head in his hands) I work with a bunch of little kids….Why?

Author: (popping up from backstage) 'Cuz we have enough teen angst to make the show look good without overdoing it. (she smiles cheesily and vanishes… only to reappear again) By the way, _I'm_ the one working with _you_ and these little kids. How do you think _I_ feel? (zips off)

* * *

><p><strong>I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, the next will be up soon.<strong>

**Director: You are such a kid.**

**I know, but, hey, what can you do?**

**Director: Grow up?**

***gasp* NEVER! *flies off with Peter Pan and Tinkerbell to avoid the nasty old man* XD**


	23. Act Four Scene Five

Nurse: (from offstage, but VERY audible) Mistress! Juliet! (runs onstage, still VERY loud) Why lamb! Why lady! (sees Juliet on the bed, flounces onto it, next to her) Fie you, slug-a-bed! C'mon wakey-wakey, eggs-and-bakey! The early bird gets the worm! (sees Juliet not moving) Wow. You're really trying to get that well-needed beauty sleep, aren't you? Well, wake up! (pulls out a trumpet from practically out of nowhere. Starts blowing into it loudly) Wake up, Juliet! Wake up! (tosses the trumpet aside and starts shaking Juliet) Juliet! (sees Juliet being limp) Mistress? Help! Help! Juliet's dead! My lord! My lady!

(In runs Lady Capulet)

Lady Capulet: (kinda aggravated) Must you scream so loud, Nurse! You're bothering the neighbors!

Nurse: (pointing at Juliet, nearly in tears) Alack the day! She's dead! She's dead!

Lady Capulet: (shocked) What! (sits with Juliet) No! My daughter please wake up! Wake up or I'll die with thee!

(Capulet enters)

Capulet: Bring Juliet forth, the bridegroom's here!

Nurse and Lady Capulet: (in unison, pointing to Juliet) She's dead!

Capulet: What? …No….No! (He then drops to his knees and screams as if he's in a dramatic soap opera) !

(Enter Friar Lawrence and Paris)

Friar Lawrence: Come now, is the bride ready to go to church?

Capulet: Ready to go, but never to return. (to Paris) Oh son…. On the night before thy wedding day…Death has taken your wife. I would've never thought it. Death is my son-in-law. Death is my heir!

Paris: Death, the most despicable thing, tricked her! O love! My life!

Capulet: (to Paris) Your life! What about us! We raised her!

Paris: Yeah… in a barn.

Nurse: (sassy-ish) Ex-cah-use me? Would you like to repeat that, sir? (after no response, she pulls out a pocket knife and rests it on his throat. Paris freezes in shock, staring at the woman in horror) I said, would you like to repeat that?

Paris: No, sir-m'am! (The Nurse drops the knife, but continues to glare at the Count)

Friar Lawrence: Peace, for shame! Confusion's cure lives not in these confusions. She's in a better place now. As custom, let's take her to the tomb of your ancestors so she may rest in peace.

Author: (to the Director, who is sitting with her in the audience) Am I the only one who realizes how creepy this is getting? I'm seriously expecting for the Friar to act all psycho or something!

Director: (laughing to himself) Who knows? He could be the devil in disguise for all we know.

Author: Actually there is a play about that. Can we do that one?

Director: Maybe at a later time. (tries to resume watching the rehearsal)

Author: The Friar would have to be younger though.

Director: By how much?

Author: Late twenties? Early thirties?

Director: How old's he? (points to the Friar)

Author: Uh…. I dunno.

Director: Should we ask?

Author: Nah, you don't ask older people how old they are it just makes them feel… well, old!

Director: Alright then, never mind.

Author: (after a moment's silence) Oh, by the way, how old are you? ( Director gives her an evil look while our Author smiles like a chibi anime character in innocence)

Capulet: All things that we ordained festival turn from their office to black funeral.

Friar Lawrence: Well... let's go.

(All exit… then Peter and a few musicians step onstage)

Author: (Noticing the setup they have) Uh… you guys do realize this story takes place around the Renaissance, right? I don't think they had drumkits or electric guitars... or amps.

Peter: Ju-ju-just watch.

(They start playing a sad tune and Peter starts…singing?)

Peter: (singing) _My eyes are open wide_

_And by the way, I made it_

_Through the day_

_I watched the world outside_

_By the way, I'm leaving out_

_Today_

_I just saw Hayley's comet_

_She waved_

_Said, "Why you always running in place?"_

_Even the man in the_

_Moon disappeared_

_Somewhere in the_

_Stratosphere_

_Tell my mother,_

_Tell my father_

_I've done the best I can_

_To make them realize_

_This is my life_

_I hope they understand_

_I'm not angry, I'm just saying..._

_Sometimes goodbye_

_Is a second chance-…._

Author: Hold up! Stop! Stop the music! (They stop, a little surprised that the fun-and-random one of the group is stopping them.)

Director: What? I thought they were pretty good!

Author: It's just…. This show is depressing enough, we don't need a depressing song to go with it! (writes down something on a piece of paper) Try this. (gives the paper to Peter)

(The group talks for a moment and then they start playing. The Tech Guy lowers the lights and activates the disco ball onstage. Actors come on and start dancing.)

Peter: (singing) _We're no strangers to love _

_You know the rules and so do I _

_A full commitment's what I'm thinking of _

_You wouldn't get this from any other guy _

_I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling _

_Gotta make you understand-._

Director: (to Author, trying to talk over the music) Seriously?

Author: (pulling the Director out of his seat) Shut up and dance with me!

Peter: _Never gonna give you up, _

_Never gonna let you down _

_Never gonna run around and desert you _

_Never gonna make you cry, _

_Never gonna say goodbye _

_Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you…._

* * *

><p><strong>That's right. I went there.<strong>

**NOTE: Please do not be offended by the statement about Friar Lawrence made by both the Author and the Director. There actually is a play that touches on this. It's called (I think) **_Romeo and Juliet in America_**, and it's a spinoff where Romeo has made a deal with the devil to get another chance with Juliet. The twist is that he has to do it in modern day society (which is a challenge for anyone living in the 17th century). For some reason, they made it so the Friar was the devil in disguise so... yeah, it's a weird play.**

**But anyway... yeah. I wanted to throw in a song for this scene. It just felt right to do so.**

**Director: I never thought Peter was so talented. I should consider him for a musical.**

**What about the consistant stuttering?**

**Director: Oh yeah... (glaring at her) You can really be a thunder-ruiner sometimes, you know that?**

**Yes. I AM the Thunder-Ruiner! Fear me if you dare! Muahahahahahahhaha!**

**Director: o.O**

**I'm just messing with ya, dude. Chillax!**


	24. Act Five Scene One

Author: Alright, let's get things moving. (turns to the Director) Romeo is good until the end of rehearsal, right?

Director: Yeah…. (gives the sheepish look)

Author: You're giving me that look. Why are you giving me that look?

(BAM! Through the door enters a team of cops. They spread out and position themselves against the aisleways)

Author: Oh…. That bad, huh?

Director: (nods) He's here until the end of the show, then he's off to questioning.

Author: Great! Where are we gonna find another lead male!

(BAM! A guy enters…wait…. That's Chorus!)

Author: Chorus? What are you doing back?

Chorus: I heard you needed a new Romeo.

Director: (as he stares at the Author, clearly unsure) Let's see whatcha got.

Chorus: (very overly-dramatic) If I may trust the flattering truth of sleep, my dreams presage some joyful news at hand. My bosom's lord sits lightly in his throne, and all this day an unaccustomed spirit lifts me above the ground with cheerful thoughts….

Author: (as Chorus continues, whispering to the cops) Could you….?

(Chorus is then being dragged out of the building by two cops. The door closes behind them as Director and Author stare at each other once again, probably both thinking "What a psychopath, right?" BAM! Chorus is trying to wrestle through the door, the cops trying to drag him out.)

Chorus: I'll be back! And you'll want me for a part! You hear that? You'll be sorry! (His voice fades out as the door shuts)

Author: (to the Director) Ya know, you really should get that door fixed.

Director: Me? You're the writer, why don't you just make it fixed?

Author: (shrugs) Lazy?

Director: (rolling his eyes) Whatever. (towards the stage) Romeo, Balthazar, let's go!

Romeo: (walking onstage with Balthazar, laughing incoherently) Okay, okay…. So let me get this straight. My Juliet is now dead and is chilling in the Capulet monument?

Bathazar: Uh, yeah.

Romeo: (calming down and catching his breath) Okay, so tell me this. (shoves him into the wall, suddenly insanely angry) Why didn't you tell me sooner!

Author: (noticing the stir of movement amongst the cops) Hey, it's alright, it's part of the show!

Balthazar: I'm a Montague, like you. Capulets don't like to update us on their daily lives like a Facebook status!

Romeo: (crying, bawling, and any-other-word-that-basically-means-sad) I DEFY YOU STARS! (drops to his knees) Oh, my wife! Oh, my Juliet!

Balthazar: (in shock) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up! You _married_ this chick? (Romeo nods) Do you realize how _messed up_ that is? You, marrying a Capulet? Our sworn enemy? Were you drunk?

Romeo: (surprisingly calm) Can you please just get ready to leave for Verona? I'll be there in a minute.

Balthazar: But-!

Romeo: GO! (Balthasar, terrified, runs offstage) Well, Juliet, I will lie with thee tonight. Now where is that Apothecary?

Apothecary: (offstage) I'm over here, boy.

(Apothecary enters the stage, slowly, leaning on an old wooden cane for support. He appears to have a hunchback and a cloak covering his face)

Romeo: Okay great! Now listen, I need something that will ensure that I will die.

Apothecary: You could smoke. It's slow, but it kills ya eventually.

Romeo: No, no, no. Don't you have some sort of liquid concoction that could kill me?

Apothecary: Well, you could just take a sleeping drug, kills you if you take enough of it.

Romeo: No, I need something that could kill me instantly!

Apothecary: Why didn't you say so? (pulls out a vial) This here could knock out even the strongest man alive. Can't kill Chuck Norris though. That guy can survive _anything_!

Random Chuck Norris Fan in the Back: (wearing Chuck Norris gear) Woo!

Author: (turning around) How did he get in here?

Director: Don't ask me. You're the writer. (The Author gives him a glare as the show continues)

Apothecary: But you? Yeah, it'll kill you in a heartbeat.

Romeo: Great! (reaches for the vial)

Apothecary: (pulling the vial away) Hold on. Pay up.

Romeo: What?

Apothecary: Well you can't go off killing yourself for nothing!

Romeo: (tossing him a pouch, clearly full of money) Here. This is all I have left.

Apothecary: (tossing him the vial) Deal. (picking up the pouch) You enjoy the afterlife, kid. And say hello to the wife for me. (stumbles offstage)

Romeo: (pauses for a moment) Wait how did you-. (Too late. The Apothecary is gone.) …What a creeper. (Leaves the stage)

Director: Alright! Let's set up the tomb. (sees the Author walking away) Where are you going?

Author: To check the security footage.

Director: Why? You and the Techie watched it like ten times.

Author: I know. But I have a funny feeling about that Apothecary….

* * *

><p><strong>Duh-Duh-Dup-Duh…. Duh-Duh-Dup- Da- DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The suspense thickens!<strong>

**LOL Anyway...**

**Sadly, Fortune's Fool will soon be at it's end *cue loud "Awwwwwwws" here* I know, I know. BUT, I know that some of you guys have been asking about a sequel.**

**Dudes... I'm way ahead of you. Ever since I started writing Act Four, the realization sunk in that I wouldn't be able to write about the uptight Director or the Author's sarcasm anymore. But I knew I didn't want it to end just yet. I wanted to continue the amazing awkwardness of this story.**

**But I can't do this on my own.**

**That's where you guys come in!**

**I have set up a poll on my profile with three current suggestions from you fanfictioners and the people I know IRL. The current suggestions are... Hamlet, Midsummer Night's Dream and The Tempest. I want YOU (yes, you) to go to my profile and vote for what you think should be the next Fortune's Fool. The polls will close...hmm... I think that the end of July is a good date. So the polls will close on July 31st. Check back after that date for the results.**

**PLEASE be patient with the creation of this sequel. I'm going to be really busy within the next month and August due to a show I'm doing and school.**

**Can't wait to hear your input.**

**Your Fellow Authoress,**

**Chessy :D**


	25. Act Five Scene Two

Director: (sitting down with Tech Guy) Thanks for joining me, Techie.

Tech Guy: Anything to get out of sharing that booth with the Author. I've never seen her this tense!

Director: Psh! I have.

Tech Guy: When?

Director: Every single time she knows she has a chapter to write and hasn't had the inspiration or the ability the stop her laziness to write it.

Tech Guy: So basically she's a procrastination station?

Director: Yup.

Author: (barely audible from booth) Hey!

Director: Don't deny it! You know it's true! (turning to the stage) Start the scene!

Friar Lawrance: YOU WHAT? (smacks Friar John upside the head)

Friar John: I couldn't the letter to Romeo in time. I'm sorry, sir.

Friar Lawrence: Why didn't you go straight there?

Friar John: I was locked up in a building full of people with leprosy! What else could I do?

Friar Lawrence: Wait… doesn't that mean you're contagious?

Friar John: (wide-eyed) Oh…. Oops. (A couple of guys in white medical suits (if you know what I'm talking about) and masks come in and drag him offstage)

Friar Lawrence: Now, if Romeo never got the letter, that means he probably thinks Juliet's dead. And if he thinks Juliet's dead, that means he's probably on his way here to see her. And if he's on his way to see her…. (gasps) Great Scott! (runs offstage)

Tech Guy: (laughing) Back to the Future moment!

Director: Now all we need is a Delorean and a scruffy dog.

Tech Guy: What about the smart-mouthed teenager?

Director: We've got enough of those around here, don't you think? (tilting his head toward the booth)

Tech Guy: (shrugs) That was probably the shortest scene in this play.

Director: Yeah, I think someone's inspiration well is running dr-.

Author: Ah-hem! (the two turn and see Author glaring down at them)

Director: Oh hey! You find anything?

Author: I found out my hunch was correct. (tosses some screen caps onto the Director's lap) Take a look at those and tell me you're thinking that's what I think it is.

Tech Guy: (looking over the Director's shoulder to see the picture) Is that-?

Author: Uh-huh.

Tech Guy: Wow….

Author: I know.

Director: You have no clue who it is do you?

Author: Nope! But I know that someone snuck in and slipped into the area of the building.

Tech Guy: So what now?

Author: We wait for the opportune moment.

Director: You mean next chapter?

Author: Pretty much.

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, this chapter really wasn't all that funny to me... <strong>**But that doesn't mean that the final chapter won't be awesome! That final chapter may take some time, but it will be worth it, I promise.**

**Director: Now please get back to working on your summer reading.**

**(sounding very whiny and annoying) Do I have to?**

**Director: If you want a good start in English this year.**

**Fine... Remember to vote for the next Fortune's Fool on my profile! :D**


	26. Act Five Scene Three

(The stage lights are off as the creative team stands in the audience area.)

Author: (to Director) Everything set?

Director: (nodding)

Author: Alright, let's do this!

(Lights come on the Capulet tomb. Juliet lies, motionless, in the middle of the stage on a platform. Enter Paris and his Page)

Paris: Alright, I'm going in. Stay out here and keep watch.

Page: I-I don't know, boss.

Paris: Don't tell me you're scared?

Page: M-M-M-M-Maybe?

Paris: Oh come on! The worst that can happen to you is if you trip on a rock… which turns out to be a coyote… and he likes to eat human flesh….

Page: (about to run offstage) MOMMY! (But Paris grabs him before he can escape)

Paris: I'm only joking. Besides, it's Renaissance Italy, we don't get coyotes.

Director: (interrupting) Actually-!

Author: (elbowing him in the gut) Shush! Don't ruin my thunder!

Director: (raising his eyebrow) But it's his line.

Author: My writing. Now shut up!

Paris: Now, let me see your torch. (Shaking, the Page hands the torch over) Now, when you see someone coming, whistle for me, okay?

Page: Y'know, I'm not so sure about the whistle thing. It's too… old school.

Paris: Okay, then what do you recommend?

Page: This. (he pulls out an airhorn and presses the button, making Paris cover his ears in pain)

Paris: DO you want to whole city to hear us?

Page: Meh, fine. What about a bird call?

Paris: How will I know it's you?

Page: 'Cuz I'll be doing this. (Cups his hands around his mouth and very LOUDLY…) CAH-CAH! CAH-CAH!

Paris: Oh yeah, I'll know. Now go keep watch! (The Page, slighting terrified, runs offstage. Paris looks at Juliet.) Oh my sweet flower, Juliet…. I wish I could've gotten to know you more before your untimely death. If only you were alive now, I would do whatever I could to make you happy….

Director: (to Author) You were reading YA romance novels when you wrote this part, weren't you? (Author punches him in the arm as they continue to watch)

Paris: Oh Juliet, my beautiful flower, why did you have to leave us? Why must Death be so unkind to us, to take you, my once future bride? Why must you-?

Page: CAH-CAH! CAH-CAH!

Paris: (yelling offstage) Was that really necessary?

Page: Yes, you were starting to sound like a frickin' idiot! Also, someone's coming!

Paris: I must hide! (he dashes back and forth on the stage. Finally, when he starts hearing footsteps, he just stands still against the wall, like a statue)

(Enter Romeo and Balthasar.)

Romeo: Finally, I thought the traffic was going to slow us down.

Balthasar: Sir, it was a rock that you thought was a man on a horse.

Romeo: (awkwardly) Oh. (shaking it off) Anyway, I'm going to go into the tomb and join my Juliet. But- (pulls out his sword and presses it to Balthasar's throat.) I charge thee. Whatever thou hearest or seest, stand all aloof.

Balthasar: You're gonna hate me for this, but you sound just like Mercutio.

Romeo: (confused, having realized that he hadn't thought about his friend since the *ahem* incident) Who?

Balthasar: (appauled) Wow. Some friend you are. Alright, I'll take off. Enjoy your time with your lady.

Romeo: (putting down his sword) Thank you, my friend. I pray that life treats you well. (he runs towards Juliet's "tomb" as Balthasar stands alone)

Balthasar: I have a bad feeling about this…. (hides behind a wooden tree)

Author: Um…. Wood?

Director: What do you expect? I'm on a budget!

Author: (musically and tauntingly) Sure…. Next thing you know you'll say we have an unlimited budget for a fancier theatre!

Director: (starts to say something, but draws back)

Romeo: Oh, Juliet…. You were my lover, my life, my baby…my wife….

Tech Guy: (emerging from behind the creative duo) Hey, isn't that-? (Before he's able to finish his sentence, the two elbow him the gut, forcing him to remain quiet)

Romeo: Why does Death have to be so cruel, my love? I've known you for less than a week and you are surely the most beautiful woman I have ever met. If only I could kiss you one last time-.

Paris: (acting like he jumped from nowhere) Don't even think about it, Montague!

Romeo: (blatantly confused, points to where he last was) Did you-?

Paris: Yup.

Romeo: Impressive.

Paris: Thanks. I thought those acting classes would pay off. (snapping back into character) Now, Montague, you shall come with me and face death.

Romeo: How about we just fast forward to the fighty-clashy dying portion of the story?

Paris: (shrugs) Alright, I'm flexible.

(They battle it out, their swords ringing in their ears. They jump, they squeal like little girls, yadayadayada, you know the drill! Anyway, Paris falls, having been stabbed)

Paris: If thou be merciful, lay me with Juliet! (dies)

Romeo: Um…. Okay. (tries to pull Paris towards Juliet) Welp, that may not happen. (looking at Juliet) Oh my sunlight, you still seem to glow even in death. Life still seems to spring from you. I'll be joining you soon. Eyes, look your last…. Arms, take your last embrace…. And lips, oh sweet lips, seal with a righteous kiss. (He kisses her, she stirs unbeknownst to him. He pulls out the poison) Come bitter conduct, come unsavory guide. Here's to my love! (He downs the whole thing) Oh, true apothecary, thy drugs are quick! (tumbling towards Juliet again) Thus with a kiss I die…. (He kisses her one last time and tumbles to the ground. He is dead.)

Director: (looks at Author) Are you crying?

Author: (trying to hide it) I'm a hopeless romantic, okay! Gimme a break! (The Director hands her a tissue, which the Author takes with a grin) Thanks.

(Balthasar stares as Friar Lawrence appears from offstage…solving a Sudoku puzzle?)

Friar Lawrence: Now if the two goes here then-. (He looks up to see Balthasar) Balthasar? What are you doing here?

Balthasar: Uh, um…. Romeojustwentinsidethetomban dkilledParisandIthinkhe'stryingtokillhimself!

Friar Lawrence: What?! (runs towards the "tomb") Romeo! Pale! (trips over another body) Paris, too? (shaking his head) Just when I thought thinks couldn't go wrong. (Juliet sits up, slowly awakening)

Juliet: (groaning) Ugh… where am I?

Author: The final scene. (Juliet opens her mouth to speak) Don't ask. Just do it!

Juliet: Friar? Where is my husband? (glancing down, in shock) NO! ROMEO!

(Thundering footsteps can be heard from a distance)

Friar Lawrence: My dear, you must hide yourself amongst the nuns or the Prince's guard will surely find thee! (she doesn't move) Let's go! (still no response) Lady Juliet, I pray thee!

Juliet: (darkly) Hence, begone for I will not away. (Friar Lawrence, stunned, leaves. She stares at her dead husband and laughs you just had to go and killed yourself, didn't you? All to be with me. (grabs his dagger) Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath. There rust and let me die. (she plunges the dagger into her body and slowly, VERY slowly…starts falling to the ground, limping to her Romeo. I swear this goes own for about five minutes and everyone is thinking the same thing.)

Author, Director and Tech Guy: WOULD YOU DIE ALREADY?!

Juliet: (out-of-character) Alright! No need to make it a big deal! (She takes her time anyway, but finally collapses onto the body of Romeo… Yeah, way to make it lengthy, huh? Let's just get right to it. Guard arrives, personal confessions, blahblahblah, here comes the family!)

Capulet and Lady Capulet: Our daughter!

Montague: My son!

Capulet: (confused) Where's the missus?

Montague: She died shortly after he left, of heartbreak.

Capulet: I had nothing to do with that.

Montague: I know.

(Prince Escalus arrives, pissed)

Escalus: Because of your feud, even I have lost family! All are punished!

Capulet: (to Montague) Give me your hand. (they shake) I think it's about time we settle our differences, don't you?

Montague: Agreed. I'll make a statue of your daughter in pure gold to commemorate her memory.

Capulet: The same goes for your son, for I feel the same.

Escalus: We settled a dark piece this morning. The sun for sorrow shall not show it's head. Go hence and we shall talk more of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned and some punished. For there never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

(Silence as they all stare at the bodies of Romeo and Juliet)

Director: Cut! (applauding and hopping onstage with the Author) Wonderful guys! Just wonderful! Let's take five and we'll run through it again!

(The cast groans)

Nurse: C'mon, Mr. Director, can't we just call it a night?

Sampson: Yeah, I've got cats at home that I forgot to feed.

Director: We'll just go over a few things. (Sees a cloaked figure walking away) Like you, Mister Apothecary.

(Apothecary glances up, looking very much guilty despite no one seeing his face.)

Apothercary: I'm afraid *ahem* I must depart. Must leave the kettle going long, y'know.

Author: (stepping forward) Come here please, Mister Apothecary. (He starts inching towards her until…) …NOW!

(Suddenly, Tybalt jumps from behind the Apothecary and grabs him. The Apothecary groans and struggles, but can't get free.)

Apothecary: (sounding less like an old man) What the-! Lemme go!

Tech Guy: (emerging from behind the curatins) We got him!

Director: But the question is…. Who is he?

Author: Let's find out.

(She pulls of the hood to reveal….)

The Cast: RANDOM GUY?!

Random Guy: (nervously laughing) Heh-heh…. Hey guys.

Author: I had a feeling something was up after the pranks continued.

Juliet: But how is he alive?! A medic came in and said he was dead.

Random Guy: You mean the red-head with giant glasses and a clearly fake mustache?

Author: Yeah? (realization moment) Wait a minute! That was _you_?

Random Guy: Uh-huh.

Tech Guy: And the other medics?

Random Guy: Paid them.

Director: But… why?

Rnadom Guy: Thought it would be funny to try it.

Author: _Funny_? You thought this was FUNNY?

Random Guy: At first, but-.

Author: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED WE WERE? ROMEO WAS ALMOST ARRESTED BECAUSE OF YOU! WE THOUGHT WE LOST OUR JULIET BECAUSE OF THAT NYQUIL! AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY?

Random Guy: (terrified) …I did. Not anymore….. I'm sorry.

(Author doesn't respond. She merely turns her back from him. The Director signals Tybalt to let go and Random Guy stands sadly. Director pulls him aside, while everyone else watches.)

Director: Do you at least mean it this time?

Random Guy: (feeling guilty) Yes.

Director: (sighs) Well, don't expect to get away with it without some type of punishment.

Random Guy: I understand.

Director: Although I think there's someone who deserves a bigger apology. (points to Author) She cares about all of us. When she thought you died, I thought she'd leave the show unfinished. You need to talk to her.

Random Guy: Sure. (the Author turns to look at him) Look, I'm really sorry. I won't make another prank again. Just please forgive me.

Author: (reluctant, but softens) Ooh…. Alright. Just… don't stop pranking. I do enjoy watching some antics everyone once and a while. (smiles, but stops when Random Guy jumps her with a hug)

Random Guy: Thankyouthankyouthankyouthan kyouthankyou! I won't letcha down! I'll even work as a stage hand for the next show!

Juliet: What is the next show?

Director: (slyly smiling at Author) Well….

Author: (grinning) I'll start on the Author's Note. (exits, leaving the cast and crew to themselves)

Random Guy: (to Capulet and Montague) SO how did this feud start?

Capulet: I dunno, actually.

Montague: Wasn't it over a doughnut at the deli?

Capulet: Oh yeah….

* * *

><p><strong>Well folks...this is it.<strong>

**As a start, I want to say a big THANK YOU! You all have been so supportive of this story and it means alot to me. Honestly, I almost did not want to publish this chapter, but I knew that it just had to be done. Besides, who would've guessed that Random Guy was alive the whole time? Certainly not me! (**I am such a horrible liar :P**)**

**It's been a long year and three months writing this story, but I know that the Director, Random Guy and Techie (as I would now like to call Tech Guy) will not be left behind. Because you voted in and the Fortune's Fool will be... (insert drumroll here)**

**Method Madness: A Parody of Hamlet**

**At least... that's the working title. What do you think? (**Shameless plug for comments :P**) Thanks for voting and reading guys. You've been really awesome and you really deserve this sequel for it. Due to school and a busy schedule though, it'll take some time. But don't worry, I'll try to post as much as possible inbetween life :)**

**Your Fellow Fool,**

**CG**


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